THE ENDING OF SUPER 8 MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL!

By Barry Dutter

The movie SUPER 8 bears remarkable similarities to E.T. Both movies are about an alien who just wants to go home. (I half-expected to hear Neil Dimaond singing "Turn on your heart light...")

The big difference is that the alien in ET is friendly and lovable, but the alien in SUPER 8 is sometimes good, sometimes evil, depending on his mood.

SUPER 8 presents its monster as an underdog. He’s been imprisoned for decades by the US government, and all he wants to do is rebuild his spaceship and get the heck off of Earth. At the beginning of the film, a scientist sets the alien free by crashing his truck into the train that is carrying it (The scientist's actions presumably kill all the people who were on board the train at the time, but this is kind of glossed over in the name of science.)

At this point, the alien begins a several day terror spree. He goes into hiding, coming out only at night to 1) kidnap random people and 2) steal car engines and other metal objects. We later find out he is stealing the car engines so he can acquire enough metallic objects to build his own makeshift space ship.

And he is kidnapping the people because… why exactly? I’m not sure. The film never makes that clear. In one scene, the alien is shown killing and eating a human. In another scene, the alien is shown being talked out of killing a young boy by the boy’s persuasive speech.

So I guess the alien is evil if it finds you threatening, but if you are friendly to it and talk to it in a calm voice, it will let you go free. That makes some kind of sense, but it still doesn’t explain why the alien was kidnapping random people in the first place.

What did it hope to gain by doing so? Snacks for the long ride home?

Just like in ET, the alien finds the means to escape just as the army is closing in. In SUPER 8, the alien uses its telekinetic powers to summon all the metal in the area to build his spaceship and get away.

But if the alien has the power to do this, why didn’t it do this on the night of the train crash? Surely there was enough metal in the train wreck to provide the alien with enough metal to build its ship.

I enjoyed SUPER 8 overall, until the ending, which didn’t make any sense to me. It reminded me of the end of THE WIZARD OF OZ. Like Dorothy in that movie, the alien apparently had the power to go home all along. It chose not to, because doing so would have ended the movie an hour earlier.

I’ve heard JJ Abrams admit in interviews that he is not that great of a writer. I have to agree with him. As a director, he’s an excellent imitator of young Stephen Spielberg. As a writer, he has yet to impress me.

As my brother pointed out, SUPER 8 is basically ET meets CLOVERFIELD. And it's a bit soon for Abrams to be doing homages to his own movies.

X-MEN FIRST CLASS REVIEW

X-MEN FIRST CLASS REVIEW

By Barry Dutter
As always, instead of doing a straight review of the movie, I’m just going to list some random thoughts/observations…

1) So it was Magneto’s idea for Mystique to walk around naked all the time, eh? Erik, you dirty dog!

2) The movie has two surprise cameos, one of which was ruined for me by the L.A. Times and has popped up elsewhere online. The other is more of a secret, so I won’t say who it is, but she was a big surprise.

3) Michael Fassbinder is so good as Magneto, he blows away every other actor on the screen. This may be the best performance by any actor in any X-Men movie. The actor who plays Prof. X is pretty good, but his part is more whiney. He spends most of the second half of the movie trying to convince Magneto not to do things that you know Mags is gonna do anyway, so Prof. X comes across as pretty ineffectual for a guy who can read minds and control people’s thoughts.

4) The new origin for how Prof. X got in the wheelchair is pretty good, much better than the one that was shown in the comics back in the 60s.

5) If they were going to introduce a new character who has wings like a dragonfly, wouldn’t it have made more sense to call her Dragonfly, instead of Angel? (I mean, the X-Men movie Universe already has a male hero called Angel, and the Marvel Universe does have a female villain called Dragonfly!)

6) Usually whenever I see a movie based on a comic book, I gripe about all the changes they made for the movie. With this movie, my only gripe is that the Beast is supposed to have big hands and big feet, and in this movie, he only had big feet. I know, pretty minor gripe, right?

7) Of course, my other little gripe is that I still want to see a movie with the REAL First Class of X-Men: Beast, Angel, Iceman, Cyclops and Marvel Girl. I guess I will have to wait a while for that one.

8) In the first X-MEN movie, there was a scene where Wolverine referred to Sabretooth as a “pussy.” I get that he was making a cat joke, but still, it was jarring to see a Marvel Comics super-hero use a dirty word. In this movie, one of the heroes uses the “F” word, and it feels so out of place, I wish they had gone with a different line. (The character could have said “Get lost!” or “Beat it!” and the scene would have been just as effective.) In over 50 years of X-Men comics, none of the characters has ever cursed. Why do it here? Just to be cool?

9) Jennifer Lawrence has really grown into quite a cutie. Her Rogue even outshines January Jones as Emma Frost in the hotness dept, and that is not an easy thing to do!

10) I liked the 60s setting. It reminded me of a James Bond movie. Makes me think that all future James Bond movies should be set in the 60s! And they should get the director of X-MEN FIRST CLASS to direct them!

11) I had heard that this movie is set in an alternate universe, apart from all the other X-MEN movies. But it seems to dovetail nicely into the other movies. I didn't notice any glaring discrepancies.

12) This was easily the best film of the series. Clearly producer/co-writer Bryan Singer needs to stay far away from SUPERMAN and just focus on the X-MEN instead!

FUNNIEST EDITED FOR TV MOVIE LINES

FUNNIEST EDITED FOR TV MOVIE LINES



Compiled by Barry Dutter

Don't you love how they edit out the curse words when an R-rated movie is shown on network TV? Here are some of my favorite edits.


1) SAMUEL L. JACKSON's classic line from SNAKES ON A PLANE: "I have had it with these MOTHER-FUCKING SNAKES on this MOTHER-FUCKING PLANE!” becomes “I have had it with these MONKEY-FIGHTING SNAKES on this MONDAY TO FRIDAY PLANE!”


2) JOHN GOODMAN in THE BIG LEBOWSKI: "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!" The TV version says "This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!"


3) In FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, the words “fucking jerk” are replaced with “Fuzzy nerd” and “He’s been STONED since the third grade” becomes “He’s been STRANGE since the third grade.”)


4) DIE HARD 2: “Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker” becomes “Yippee ki-yay, Mr. Falcon,” which is funny because nobody in the movie is named “Mr. Falcon”


5) From THE USUAL SUSPECTS: “Hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker” becomes “Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother.”


6) Al Pacino in SCARFACE “This town is like a great big pussy, just waiting to get fucked.” becomes ““This town is like a great big chicken, just waiting to get plucked.”


7) Also from SCARFACE: “Where’d you get that beauty scar, tough guy? Eating pussy?” becomes ““Where’d you get that beauty scar, tough guy? Eating pineapple?”


8) SAM JACKSON in PULP FICTION: “My eyes are wide fucking open” becomes “My eyes are wide focused open”


9) From LETHAL WEAPON: "That's a real badge, I'm a real cop and this is a real FUCKING Gun" becomes "That's a real badge, I'm a real cop and this is a real FIRING Gun!"


10) From SMOKEY & THE BANDIT: Jackie Gleason’s favorite curse word, “sumbitch” becomes “scum bum’ in the TV version.


11) In DIE HARD 3, SAMUEL L. JACKSON (him again!) calls BRUCE WILLIS “a racist MOTHERFUCKER" in the movie, but on network TV it becomes “a racist MELON FARMER!” Right. Because most melon farmers are racist!


12) THE ALL-TIME CLASSIC: From THE EXORCIST: “Your mother sucks cocks in hell” becomes, “Your mother sews socks that smell!”

TOP 5 SNL JOKES & SKETCHES THAT SNUCK PAST THE CENSORS

By Barry Dutter

1) The classic “Lord & Lady Douche Bag” sketch from 1980. The basic premise of the sketch, written by Buck Henry, was that various nobles meet for a dinner party in the year 1730. Each person at the party has something named after them. Lord Salisbury has the Salisbury Steak. The Earl of Sandwich has the Sandwich. And Lord & Lady Douche Bag have, well, an invention that they don’t want to leak just yet. Never before have the words “douche bag” been used so many times on one of the Big Three networks.

2) In a Monica Lewinsky skit from the 1990s, the actress playing Monica Lewinsky orders a Bartles & James in a bar. She then explains to her friends, “I love BJ‘s.” And anyone watching at home thinks of Bill Clinton and smiles.

3) The “Colonel Angus” sketch (2009). Christopher Walken plays a Civil War soldier who goes by the name of “Colonel Angus” -- a name that sounds an awful lot like a certain term describing a sexual act that is greatly enjoyed by women. This is a one-joke skit, with that one joke repeated about 20 times -- until we learn the Colonel’s first name is Enal -- at which point, we get a bunch of jokes about Enal Angus, which sounds like another sex act approached from the opposite end.

4) The Sofa Kings Sketch (2007): When I lived in Florida years ago, there was a bar called “Sofa Kings. “ The tagline for the bar was that this place is “sofa king good,” a play on the phrase “so fucking good.” In 2007, SNL decided to take that old schoolyard joke and make a skit about it. Another one-joke skit, seemingly done just to see if they could sneak it past the censors. They succeeded. SNL had similar success with Alec Baldwin’s Schwetty Balls sketches and Betty White talking about her moist muffins.

5) The all-time classic from 1977: “Planet of the Men vs. the Planet of the Women,” a skit about a battle of the sexes -- in space! Aboard the penis-shaped male spaceship: Host Hugh Hefner as Captain Macho. Dan Aykroyd as Lt. Testosterone. John Belushi as Corporal Hardin. Over in the donut-shaped women’s ship, Gilda Radner is Lt. Areola..... Well, you get the idea. The ships collide with the male ship penetrating the female ship, in a rather phallic manner. The women are disappointed with the size of the male ship, but they hope the men will attack again in half an hour. The men acknowledge that the female ship will never be the same again after they penetrate it, and they think about making another go at it. But all the men fell asleep before that happens. It’s funny because it’s true!

My THOR REVIEW

By Barry Dutter

Rather than write a traditional review, I decided to just list a bunch of random thoughts. Overall I liked the movie, but as a longtime comics fan, naturally I had my quibbles…

1) It’s possibly the best Marvel movie after the first IRON MAN.

2) Chris Hemsworth is perfect for this role -- the best casting on a Marvel super-hero since Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. Hemsworth brings the right amount of strength, charm and dignity to the part. It’s nice to have a Marvel super-hero movie that doesn’t, at some point, treat the hero like a joke. (I will still never forgive Hollywood for such atrocities as: a pigeon pooping on the THING’s shoulder in FANTASTIC FOUR, SPIDER-MAN delivering pizzas in SPIDER-MAN 2, etc.)

3) The SHIELD agent character who was in IRON MAN 2 and appears in this movie, as well, is kind of bland. (I’m not talking about SAM JACKSON as NICK FURY -- he’s cool. I’m talking about the white guy. I can’t even remember his name!) They really should have tried to make this character more interesting -- perhaps basing him on an actual character from the comics. I mean, Dum Dum Dugan or Jasper Sitwell would be more interesting that this no-name pencil-pusher.

4)With Hemsworth, the newly buff CHRIS EVANS as CAPTAIN AMERICA, and RYAN REYNOLDS as GREEN LANTERN, this is the first summer ever where all the major super-heroes did not need to have muscles painted onto their costumes. Perhaps we’ve finally reached the end of the era of wimpy super-heroes that began with MICHEAL KEATON in BATMAN.

5) The movie should have been longer. I would have liked to have seen the story fleshed out more. I mean, THOR does not exactly have what you call, um, what do you call those things ... a plot! THOR is banished to Earth, he finds his hammer, big fight, the end. I would like to have seen an extended sequence with THOR trying to adjust to his new life on Earth.

6) The romance with Natalie Portman should have been given a lot more room. I mean, Thor’s feelings for Jane Foster are a crucial plot point -- the whole movie hinges on him falling in love with this girl -- and yet, we are never given any reason why he falls in love with her, other than the fact that she’s hot. Overall, the movie seems to have had about a half hour worth of story cut out of it. Guess we gotta wait for the DVD.


7) The HAWKEYE cameo redefined the word “gratuitous.”

8) It’s great that they showcased the FROST GIANTS, but I didn’t hear any mention of the FLAME GIANTS. I really feel they were slighted! Somewhere, SURTUR is not happy!

9) A couple of the shots of THOR flying reminded me of the first SUPERMAN movie from 1980 in terms of the quality of the SFX.

10) I got a little nervous when I saw that J. Michael Straczynski had come up with the story for this movie. After all, his major contribution to the THOR mythos is having the city of Asgard floating a mile above the Earth. Not one of his better ideas.

11) The recent Marvel movies seem to be hewing closer to the ULTIMATE versions of the Marvel heroes than the original versions. This means that SHIELD plays a huge part in every origin story, and the origins of HULK and CAPTAIN AMERICA are forever linked. I liked the origins from the 1960s better, when you didn’t have SHIELD sticking their noses in everything. I mean, in the original THOR origin, the guy just finds his hammer in the forest. He didn’t have to break into a SHIELD base to get it back. Basically the Marvel Comics of the 60s were about ordinary people coming to grips with fantastic powers. The Marvel Comics of the Ultimate Universe are about a super-secret government agency learning of the existence of various super-powered individuals and finding ways to contain and control them. It was a lot more fun before the government got involved.

12) If Odin strips THOR of all his powers before banishing him to Earth, how come THOR is able to summon a storm when he sneaks into the SHIELD camp?

13) I like that Stan Lee’s character this time around is listed as “STAN THE MAN” in the credits.

14) I get that the filmmakers were trying to do a “King Arthur/Sword in the Stone” homage with Thor’s hammer, but really, it was not necessary to have the hammer embedded in the ground. The whole point of Thor’s hammer is that no one can lift it except Thor when he is at his most worthy. Rather than having people try to pry Thor’s hammer out from a rock, they could have just had people trying to pick the hammer up off the ground. (Remember, not even the HULK can lift THOR’s hammer off the ground!) Screenwriters think they are being clever when they take an old myth and try to tie it in to another myth. It’s not clever, it’s just lazy.

15) The DESTROYER kicked ass! He looked exactly the way I remember him from the comics. Well done!

16) Thor overhears a trucker mention a fallen satellite in the desert and instantly knows this must be his hammer. Wha? Huh? How does Thor even know what a satellite is?

17)  Kudos to the Marvel marketing people for not using the slogan “It’s hammer time!” and for not using the M.C. Hammer song in the movie. (Look, when it came time to find a theme song for the IRON MAN movies, they just used an old Black Sabbath song called “Iron Man.” It didn’t exactly take a lot of originality to think of that one!)

18) The bit about Natalie P. hitting Thor twice with her SUV was a little too cutesy. Once was enough.

19) I don’t think that even a de-powered THOR could be taken out by a taser gun. After all, he was still strong enough to be hit twice by a car and walk away unscathed.

20) Are SHIELD agents so dumb that they will release a dangerous prisoner to anyone who wanders into their camp with a fake driver’s license? Very sloppy plotting.

21) Why does Thor copy IRON MAN’s pose on the movie poster?

22) It’s always fun to sit through the end credits of a Marvel movie to get to the bonus scene, but why do the credits have to be so long? Sheesh, that was a long wait!

23) The day after THOR premiered, the SyFy channel aired a cheesy, low-budget made-for-TV movie called ALMIGHTY THOR. Their THOR had blonde hair. Strange -- the THOR of Norse myth always had RED hair and a full red beard. How did SyFy ever get the idea of doing a blonde version of THOR?

24) All in all, Marvel’s THOR is a fun movie, and a solid introduction to the character to those unfamiliar with him. Now that we got the origin out of the way, next time, we can see him spending a lot more time with his cape and hammer!

25) When the cast of the AVENGERS movie was announced last year, my thought at the time was: Other than Robert Downey Jr., the rest of the cast is very low in star-wattage. With the release of THOR, and the rise of Jeremy Renner’s profile after his role in Ben Affleck’s THE TOWN, suddenly the cast of the AVENGERS is looking more and more impressive. Will Chris “Captain America” Evans have what it takes to lead these guys in the AVENGERS? We’ll find out next summer!

My Best & Worst of 2010

By Barry Dutter

BEST SONG: This is a tough one. 2010 was a good year for music -- way better than 2009. But there wasn’t any one song that really stood out as the best. I mean, “Like a G-6” was the most sonically innovative song of the year, but it’s hardly a great song. I guess I’ll pass on this category this year.

BEST NEW ARTISTS: B.o.B. and Bruno Mars both impressed me with their ability to write catchy pop songs that generally don‘t get ruined by having a guest-rapper come in and do a cameo.

WORST SONG: “The Time” by the Black Eyed Peas (It‘s the hip-hop update of “I‘ve Had the Time of My Life.”). Funny, the Black Eyed Peas had the best song of 2009 with “I Got a Feeling.” But their remake of the beloved pop song from DIRTY DANCING was a complete disaster.

WORST SONG LYRIC: “Boom boom boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon. “ Katy Perry, “Firework”


WORST SONG LYRIC (RAPPED): “Bikinis, tankinis, martinis, no weenies.” -Snoop Dogg describing his idea of the perfect Hollywood night in “California Gurls”

WORST SONG LYRIC (RUNNER-UP): “Don't be fancy, just get dancey.” - Pink, “Raise Your Glass”

WORST SONG LYRIC (2ND RUNNER-UP): Steve Miller Band, “Hey Yeah”
“Hey now's your chance - you even got the perfect circumstance.
If you can't find someone to dance - just move your hips baby and shake your pants.”

WORST SONG LYRIC: THIRD RUNNER-UP”: “We Are Who We Are” by Ke$ha:
“We’re dancing like we’re dumb
Our bodies go numb
We’ll be forever young”

(That one is bad on so many levels!)

LAZIEST SONG-WRITER: The guy from Train. Whenever he can’t come up with a rhyme, he just throws in a reference to an 80s band like Mr. Mister or Winger.

BEST SONG LYRIC: “It seems to me that ‘maybe’
It pretty much always means ‘no.’” -Jack Johnson, “Flake”

BEST SONG LYRIC (RAP): "Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano."
-Eminem describing a tempestuous relationship in "Love The Way You Lie"


BEST NEW WORD: “Slizzered” You know, as in, “When we drink we do it right, we get slizzered!” It’s ok to make up a new word as long as everybody instantly understands what it means.

WORST CELEBRITY: Charlie Sheen. It’s kind of sad that a crappy show like TWO AND A HALF MEN makes so much money for CBS that even if Charlie Sheen murdered someone, he would still keep his job.

BEST MOVIE: THE FIGHTER (And Christian Bale's performance was easily the best of the year.)

BEST MOVIE NOBODY SAW: HACHI: A DOG’S TALE with RICHARD GERE. Rent it on DVD and you will blubber like a baby. I guarantee it!

WORST MOVIE: INCEPTION (Sorry, it just didn’t work for me)

BEST NEW TV SHOW: WALKING DEAD. I think every show would be better if it had zombies in it!

WORST TV SHOW: THE DEFENDERS starring Jim Belushi and Jerry O’Connell. Finally, my two least favorite actors, together in one series! (I never actually watched it, of course!)


SHOWS THAT I STILL WATCH EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE NOT THAT FUNNY ANY MORE: SIMPSONS and FAMILY GUY

SHOW THAT HAD THE BIGGEST DROP IN QUALITY FROM THE FIRST SEASON TO THE SECOND: MODERN FAMILY. (Still good, but no longer great.)

WORST IDEA: I’m the biggest Spider-Man fan in the world, but I think $65 million Broadway show based on ol,’ Web-Head is a bad idea.

My EXPENDABLES Review

THE EXPENDABLES REVIEWED by Barry Dutter

THE EXPENDABLES concludes Sylvester Stallone’s comeback trilogy that began with ROCKY BALBOA (2006) and continued with RAMBO (2008.) The new film, which unites most of the major action heroes of the last 30 years in one movie is easily the worst of the come back trio (with ROCKY BALBOA being the clear favorite).
All three of Stallone’s comeback movies are throwbacks to films he made in the 80s. The first two revive his most popular characters, and the latest brings back the style of action movies Stallone helped popularize back in the days of Pac-Man, Members Only jackets and Duran Duran. Prior to his comeback, Sly had not appeared on the big screen since he played the villain in SPY KIDS 3-D back in 2003.
THE EXPENDABLES was written and directed by Stallone, which pretty much tells you all you need to know. Traditionally, when Stallone the writer strays away from Rocky or Rambo, his movies aren’t very good. As an actor, his speech is hard to understand; as a writer, his work is stilted and full of cliches; and as a director, well, there’s only so much any director can do with a weak script and a slurring leading man.
Stallone is possibly the worst actor in THE EXPENDABLES, and that’s really saying something in a cast that includes Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren.
The movie starts off with a cameo by Arnold Schwarzenegger, making his first appearance on screen since … well, ok, technically since TERMINATOR SALVATION last summer.
In this long-awaited meeting of the muscles, Stallone and Schwarzenegger exchange quips with each other in a scene that recalls the homoerotic overtones of TANGO & CASH. Bruce Willis asks Stallone & Schwarzenegger if they are going to suck each other’s dicks, and the two actors look like they are seriously considering it.
There is no real reason for Schwarzenegger to be in this movie, other than the coolness factor of having three of the biggest action heroes of the 80s together in one scene. All in all, it’s a wasted opportunity, but at least Stallone gets off one funny line about Arnie wanting to be president.
Mostly THE EXPENDABLES is a buddy/comedy movie between Stallone & Jason Statham, who probably comes off the best of any of the actors in the movie. The jokey script has Stallone and his partners exchanging many quips as they shoot bad guys -- but anyone who has ever seen Stallone do comedy knows that this is not his main strength as a writer.
The movie answers some intriguing questions: 1) Who would win in a fight -- a kung fu master or a giant? 2) Could a pro wrestler beat a mixed martial arts fighter? 3) Can a group of five guys take on an army of thousands and win?
You should be able to answer that last one without seeing the movie. THE EXPENDABLES has the most gunfire of any movie I’ve ever seen. Amazingly, no one ever told the bad guys they should actually try aiming. The last third of the movie seems to consist of nothing but explosions. Who needs a story when you can just blow stuff up?

SPOILER WARNING! Something happens in this movie that is so stupid, I have to comment on it. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, skip this part.
At one point, Dolph Lundgren betrays the teams and tries to kill Stallone and Jet Li in a huge car chase with machine guns blazing. This chase takes place on city streets in broad daylight, but luckily no pedestrians or other motorists are injured during this chase.
The battle ends when Stallone puts a bullet in Lundgren’s chest, and it is strongly implied that Lundgren is going to die. But in a ridiculous twist at the end, we learn that not only did Lundgren survive the shooting, but he has fully recovered, and is now happily welcomed back to the team.
Let’s clarify here: a member of your team with a known drug problem betrays you and tries to kill you, but you let him back on your team so you can all go for a motorcycle ride together at the end.
Okay, whatever.
Clearly, Stallone is not trying very hard here.
THE EXPENDABLES could almost be called BOYS AND THEIR TOYS. There is no room for women in this world, it’s all about guys and guns and bikes. Who needs some screwy dame coming along and messing up all that macho tough guy fun?
Toward the end of the movie there is scene where Stallone looks like he might kiss the woman he has just rescued, and thankfully, he gives her a hug instead. At this stage of his career, you just don’t want to see Stallone kissing anyone.
Charisma Carpenter has two scenes as Jason Statham’s girlfriend, but those scenes mostly exist as an excuse for Statham to kick the asses of a bunch of guys on a basketball court.
This is not the worst screenplay Stallone has written (I mean, come on, the guy has written such stinkers as Rhinestone, Over the Top, Cobra, Rocky V, Staying Alive…) but it’s not the best, either. (That award goes to Rocky I-III, First Blood, and Cliffhanger.)
Maybe it’s time for the 80s revival to be over.
All in all, The Expendables is okay as a plotless time-waster. For those people who’ve always complained that the A-Team is a little too realistic, this is the movie for you!