TALENTED SINGERS THAT DID REALLY CRAPPY MOVIE THEMES

By Barry Dutter

1) 38 SPECIAL: Theme from the movie TEACHERS (1984):  38 Special were responsible for some of the best Southern rock songs of the early 80s, including “Hold on Loosely” and “Caught Up in You.” But they seem to have run out of ideas when it came time to write the theme for the Nick Nolte comedy TEACHERS. The uninspired chorus tells you all you need to know: “Teacher, teacher, can you teach me? Can you tell me what I need to know? Teacher, teacher, can you reach me? Or will I fall when you let me go? Oh no.” Oh no is right. They should have been expelled for that one.


2) QUARTERFLASH: Theme from NIGHT SHIFT (1982). Quarterflash had two of the best songs of the 80s: “Harden My Heart” and “Take Me to Heart.” They had a third semi-hit with the Pat Benatar-esque “Find Another Fool.” But they really bombed when it came time to perform the theme for the movie NIGHT SHIFT, starring Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton. The song was actually co-written by Burt Bacharach, long past his 60s heyday. At that point in his career, Burt would usually bring in co-writer Carole Bayer Sager to sing the song, but in this case, the tune was handed off to a younger, hipper group. Quarterflash was never heard from again.

3) STARSHIP: “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,” -Theme from MANNEQUIN: The first thing you might ask is, “Was Starship ever a great band?” Sure. Before they sold out and got all soft and wimpy, they had a couple of the best pop/rock hits of the 80s: “Jane” and “Find Your Way Back.” The MANNEQUIN theme makes the list, not because it was that much different from any other mediocre 80s songs, but because with its generic lyrics, it could be the theme of any movie ever made.

4) KENNY LOGGINS: “Meet Me Halfway,” Theme from OVER THE TOP.  I have to defend Mr., Loggins, who was responsible for some great movie themes, like “I’m Alright” from CADDYSHACK and the theme from FOOTLOOSE. But this one was a clear case of making too many trips to the well. Check out this chorus: “Meet me halfway. Across the sky. Up where the world belongs to only you and I.” Ugh. Mr. Loggins had built up plenty of good will over the years, so we could forgive him for other lesser movie theme lyrics like TOP GUN’s “Highway to the Danger Zone, gonna take me right into the Danger Zone.” But there was no forgiving this one.

5) PHILLIP BAILEY: Theme from TWINS. Bailey did great work with Earth Wind & Fire in the 70s, and had one of the best pop songs of the 80s in his duet with Phil Collins, “Easy Lover.“ But he didn’t fare as well when he joined forces with LITTLE RICHARD to sing this non-hit, which takes the title of the movie and tries to build a song around it. The movie, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito, had a few laughs, but this song was a lost cause. Check out this groaner of a chorus: “We’re twins, united outside and in. When you‘re twins, the magic just never ends.” And when you’re singing a bad song, the magic just never begins.

6) PRINCE: “Batdance” - Theme from BATMAN (1989) To say the song does not hold up today is being kind. People had so much good will for that first Tim Burton Batman movie that they were buying anything Batman related -- including so many copies of this song that they drove it to the number one spot on the pop charts!  “Batdance” came just a few years after Prince created his masterpiece, Purple Rain, and it’s hard to believe both albums were done by the same artist. This was not long after other seminal Prince works like “Pop Life” and “Raspberry Beret.” Reportedly Prince had several songs rejected for the Batman soundtrack, which is mind-blowing because  the songs are all pretty unlistenable. It's hard to imagine the poor quality of the stuff they threw away! A once-creative artist at his nadir.

7) CYNDI LAUPER: “The Goonies R Good Enough” - Theme from GOONIES.” This song gets a dishonorable mention because the word “Goonies’ is never actually sung  in the song. It was just shoehorned into the title in a lame attempt to tie the song to the movie. The song itself is OK. Not one of Lauper’s best, but she certainly had worse. (Actually her worst song was the theme from the movie VIBES (1988), which had one of the dumbest song lyrics of all time: “There’s a hole in my heart that goes all the way to China.” Ugh.)

8) BOBBY BROWN: “On Our Own” - Theme from GHOSTBUSTERS 2. The chorus to this song is respectable, and does an adequate job of summing up the theme to the movie -- that this time, the Ghostbusters have to do it on their own. (Um, wasn‘t that the basic idea of the first movie, too?) But the rap that appears twice in the song is awful, among the worst ever written. It’s definitely a case of an artist trying way too hard to fit the plot of a movie into a song. The part that sucks the most is when Brown raps, “Found about Vigo, the master of evil. Try to battle my boys? That's not legal.” Writing bad raps? That should be illegal too. (Then we would have been spared such travesties as MC Hammer's "Addams Groove" from ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES and Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" from TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!)

9) A HA; Theme from the James Bond film, THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS. AH HA was a band that had one of the best “new wave” songs of the 80s (and perhaps the single best video), “Take On Me.” The problem comes when a one-hit wonder tries to write a second hit. For their first movie theme, the band was given an impossible title to work with: THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS. Rather than trying to come up with anything to rhyme with that title, the chorus simply consists of the band chanting, “Ahhh ahhh ah ah -- the Living Daylights.” It was one of the worst Bond themes ever.

10) AEROSMITH: “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” from ARMAGEDDON: Hands down the sappiest song ever performed by Aerosmith., They didn’t write it, it was penned by songwriting hack Diane Warren. But it became their biggest hit ever, which is kind of sad, considering these guys were responsible for great tunes  like “Sweet Emotion” and “Walk This Way” back in the 70s. This sorry song is about a guy who is so in love with his woman that he doesn't even want to sleep, or even blink, for fear that he might miss something amazing that she does. Trust me me, Steven Tyler, no one is that interesting. Go ahead, close your eyes.

11) BRYAN ADAMS: “All For Love” - Theme from THE THREE MUSKETEERS. It must have sounded like a great idea on paper. Bryan Adams was coming off one of the biggest hits of his career -- “Everything I Do (I Do it For You)” from the movie ROBIN HOOD. Why not have him write another theme song for another period adventure -- only this time, (wait for it) he could team up with two other singers, and they could be just like the Three Musketeers! Great idea, but it was a lame song even by Bryan Adams sappy ballad standards. It was understandable that Rod Stewart agreed to be one of the other singers joining Adams on this Three-Man Duet -- Stewart’s career had been on a steady decline since his 1970s heyday. But why the hell did Sting agree to be the third wheel? Surely he had better things to do than to help sing a hacky Bryan Adams ballad. It was because of the inclusion of Sting , an artist who was still vital and creative at this time, that this turkey makes the list. And lyrics like, "When it's love you give (I'll be a man of good faith.) Then in love you live" didn't help much, either.

13) (TIE) ARETHA FRANKLIN singing “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” for the Whoopi Goldberg movie of the same name? Did we really need that?  Finally, I have to take a jab at BOB SEGER for “Breakdown,“ the uninspired theme from BEVERLY HILLS COP II. Who could forget those unforgettable lyrics? “Breakdown, shakedown, take down. You’re busted!” That’s a far cry from the evocative lyrics of  early Seger hits like “Hollywood Nights” and  “Night Moves.”

MY REVIEW OF BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S WRECKING BALL

By Barry Dutter

The arrival of a new Bruce Springsteen album is always something of an event for longtime fans, even if the Boss’ song-writing prowess is nowhere near what it once was.

“Wrecking Ball” is Bruce’s third album in the past five years. Sadly, it is just as uninspired as the last two. None of the three albums come close to approaching the greatness of his early work. In his last three albums, there has only been one song that stacks up with his stronger work from the past: “Radio Nowhere” from 2007’s  “Magic,” and even that song was accused of stealing the riff from a Tommy Tutone song called “867-5309 (Jenny).”
Having one decent song in three albums is a far cry from the Bruce of old, who could always be counted on half a dozen great songs or more on his albums in the 70s and 80s.
“Wrecking Ball,” has songs that were seemingly written by a guy trying to write like Bruce and sung by a guy trying to sound like Bruce. But ultimately he comes off as a lightweight version of his former self. There are no instant classics to be found here.
Bruce seems to have fallen victim to the same ailment that attacks all rockers as they get older: the songs they write in their 40s and 50s juts aren’t as good as the ones they wrote in their 20s  and 30s. There is something to be said for rock being a  young man’s game.
I commend Bruce for trying, but even he must be aware that his music doesn’t have the same impact that it once did.
My biggest complaint about Bruce’s songwriting these days is his tendency to write a  chorus that is just one word or phrase repeated over and over, as if he can’t even be bothered to come up with other words that rhyme with the tile of the song.
There are Bruce purists out there who insist that he only did three great albums, and those were back in the early 1970s. I actually came late to the Bruce party. Yes, I was one of those late-comers who jumped on the “Born in the USA” bandwagon.
There was a time in 1985 when Bruce was unquestionably the biggest rock star in the world, and it was pretty cool to see it happen. His  “Born in the USA” album spawned a  remarkable seven hit singles, and the only reason it didn’t have more was because Bruce decided not to release any more.
“Born in the USA” had been designed as a very accessible “arena rock” album, with big, bold, power-pop anthems. If Bruce had wanted to, he could have done two or three more albums that sounded just like it, and extended his reign as the King of Rock.
Instead, he went in a completely different direction. He fired his band, and released his first solo album, 1987's TUNNEL OF LOVE. The songs were softer and quieter, the exact opposite of those on “Born in the USA.” The album was a dark, introspective look at the collapse of a marriage. It came as a surprise to no one that Bruce got divorced shortly after its release.
After that came a four-year gap, followed by two more “soft-rock” albums that some disdainfully refer to as Bruce’s “Phil Collins period.”
It would be 15 years after “Born in the USA” that Bruce would finally reunite the E Street Band and release another straight-out rock album. That album, “The Rising,” was Bruce’s response to the Sept. 11th attacks.
The songs were meant as a salve to wounded Americans; intendedt to uplift our spirits and illuminate the mood of the nation.
Despite all the positive reviews from critics and the noble sentiment that went into its creation, The Rising never really caught on in a big way. There aren’t really any songs on there that Bruce fans would list as their favorites.
That pretty much sums up his career ever since.
There have been a handful of albums and singles, but nothing truly memorable. It’s admirable that he keeps trying, but I would say that Bruce currently occupies the same zone as artists like the Eagles, the Rolling Stones, Fleetwood Mac, and The Who: any time they attempt to make new music, it is never as good as the stuff they did in the early days.
It is significant to note that when Bruce played the halftime show of the Super Bowl in 2010, the songs that really resonated with the crowd were his hits from the 70s and 80s. He crammed one mediocre new song in there, “Working on a Dream,” but it felt like filler, taking up space until he got to “Born to Run.”
When Bruce releases a new album these days, it feels like he really is working on a dream -- the dream of still being relevant.
Those days are long gone. Bruce once wrote about a guy who was a great baseball player whose “glory days” were behind him. These days, he could sing a similar song about a  guy who used to be a great rock and roller, back in the 70s and 80s.
So what is the solution? Should Bruce just stop trying to write new material (as other 70s rockers like Billy Joel and Rod Stewart did a few years back)? Well, there are very few rock stars who produced any quality work late in their careers.
I can count on one hand the number of rockers who had second acts that equaled or surpassed the first. Paul Simon had “Graceland.” Steve Winwood had “Back in the High Life.” After that, the pickings get pretty slim.
But Bruce doesn‘t really need to make new music. He knows he can continue to entertain fans at live shows for years to come with the classic songs he wrote in his youth. If audiences have to put up with the occasional new tune mixed in with the classics, well, even Bruce’s new stuff is at least listenable. 

“Wrecking Ball” does not hit with the force that you hope it would. If anything, it makes you want to put on an earlier Bruce album. So I guess it does serve a  purpose, even if I’m sure it’s not the one that Bruce had intended it to.

GET LOST, JOHN CARTER! AND TAKE TINTIN WITH YOU!

By Barry Dutter

The past few months saw the release of two movies that I knew were going to flop in America before they ever came out: TINTIN and JOHN CARTER. Why? Because no one in this country cares about either of those two characters and never will.
Tintin is one of those characters that you used to occasionally come across as a kid and no matter how many times you tried to read his strip, you never understood what was supposed to be entertaining about it.
And John Carter was, let’s face it, never seen as anything more than the poor man’s Tarzan. These characters may have enjoyed great success decades ago, but as far as most Americans are concerned, their time has passed.
John Carter was created exactly 100 years ago. Although he has appeared in books and comics over the years, interest in the character seemed to fade out by the 1970s. Over the past 40 years, Carter has been largely forgotten by the general public.
Many actors and directors tried to get a JC movie off the ground in the past few decades, but none succeeded until now. The new film failed to drum up much interest in the weeks and months before its release, and looks like it will go down as the biggest-budgeted flop in Disney history.
Which brings us to my point: John Carter was a hero from the pulp era. He had his greatest success in the 1920s and 1930s.
Is it logical to think that a character who peaked 80 years ago would still appeal to audiences today?
There seems to be a general feeling in Hollywood that all heroes are timeless, that every character can be brought back and redefined for a new generation.
Look at Sherlock Holmes, for example -- according to Guinness, the “most portrayed movie character” of all time.  Holmes was created in 1887, about 125 years ago. He has appeared in books and films (starting in 1900!) ever since.
The two most recent Sherlock Holmes films starring Robert Downey Jr. were the most successful Holmes entries in cinema history. A new Sherlock Holmes TV series airs on the BBC and has just been renewed for a third season, and the books continue unabated. 
Clearly the public appetite all things Sherlock is insatiable. It seems the character will be around for centuries to come.
So why has the great detective prevailed while John Carter seems destined to head back to oblivion?
For starters, Sherlock has been around almost continually since his creation, only lying dormant for brief periods of time. John Carter has faded out of the public eye for decades at a  time -- clearly far too long for a  fictional character to be off the scene.
Secondly, most people regard JC as being second fiddle to Tarzan, that other character created by the late Edgar Rice Burroughs. In the eyes of the American public, Tarzan is an iconic hero who deserves to be immortalized, brought back every now and then for new adventures. And John Carter is just “that guy in a loin cloth who’s not Tarzan.”
The second most popular movie character of all time is Dracula. The Lord of the Undead was created in 1897, ten years after Holmes, and has enchanted audiences for generations. Dracula seems to be another character that, while you can drive a stake through his heart, you can never really kill him.
John Carter was a pulp hero, and very few pulp heroes live on today in any kind of meaningful way. Over the past few decades, Hollywood has shown an obsessive need to revive seemingly every hero who has ever existed, and, when it comes to the pulp heroes, met with dismal results. Comic strip and radio heroes who peaked in the 1930s have fared equally poorly.
The Shadow, The Phantom, Dick Tracy, the Green Hornet, and the Spirit are all characters who have underperformed at the box office in recent years.
It seems that filmgoers just don’t care about these dusty old heroes that were big during the Depression. No matter how many times Hollywood attempts to bring back Doc Savage, the effort is met with a  collective yawn from film-goers.
The one exception to the pulp heroes rule is Conan the Barbarian. Since his revival in the late 60s/early 70s, Conan has been a staple of comics, film and TV.  (Red Sonja has enjoyed similar success, but she was hardly a popular pulp hero, appearing only as a supporting character in one short story.)
Conan-creator Robert E. Howard also sired Conan’s cousin in combat, Kull the Destroyer. But Kull has always been seen by most as a copy of Conan, and has never enjoyed the Cimmerian’s success.
It seems John Carter is destined to suffer the same fate of Kull -- to be regarded as a bastard stepchild, the “other” creation from an eccentric genius. Carter and Kull just seem to lack the essence of an iconic character, that certain element that gets people excited about them and want to see more of them.
Look at Peter Pan, or any of the classic fairy tale characters like Snow White, Cinderella, or Red Riding Hood. These are characters whose adventures are constantly being reinterpreted for new audiences to enjoy.
As for some more modern examples: James Bond turns 60 in 2013, and film-goers never seem to tire of his exploits.
Superman is nearing his 75th year of continuous publication, and his siblings Batman and Wonder Woman are not far behind. Captain Marvel was once more popular than  Superman, but the “Big Red Cheese,” aka “Shazam,” has never recovered from the lawsuit that temporarily ended his comic book run in 1953.
Golden Age Marvel heroes like Captain America and the Sub-Mariner have been around for over 70 years, though Marvel has struggled since the 1970s to keep Namor “afloat.” Even the Silver Age Marvel heroes like the Amazing Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four are now entering their sixth decade of publication, showing that the public never seems to tire of true originals.
Robin Hood seems a Hollywood perennial, as does King Arthur. These are epic heroes who have been around for centuries. The Three Musketeers attempt a cinematic comeback every decade or two, but they never seem to resonate with audiences the way Robin Hood and King Arthur do.
And then there are the Greek, Roman and Norse Gods, the likes of whom are seen in movies like Hercules, Clash of the Titans, The Immortals, and Percy Jackson.
These are characters that have been around for untold eons, and audiences are still intrigued by them.
Ultimately it comes down to the fact that there are some characters that are beloved and timeless and some that are not.
No matter how many times Hollywood brings back certain characters, it seems that modern audiences will never warm up to Kull, or the Shadow, or John Carter.
There was a time and place for all of these characters. They all had a chance to shine.
The truly great characters live beyond their one moment of greatness. The also-rans, the inferior characters, never quite live up to their potential.
Not all characters are meant to stay in the public eye forever. Sometimes it’s ok to let go. We already have Conan and Tarzan., We don’t need Kull and John Carter too.
Maybe it’s time for Hollywood to stop trying so hard to resurrect the past. Not every hero is meant to be brought back ad infinitum. Let the pulp heroes stay in the pulps. They had their era and it’s over.
We’ll keep Tarzan and Conan, and forget the rest. Likewise, the golden era of Sunday newspaper strips and radio shows is long gone, too. (Sorry, Yellow Kid, but it‘s true!)
Currently there is yet another Lone Ranger film in the works, but this is another character that has struggled to find an audience since the 1950s.
Zorro had a hit movie in the 1990s, with another in the works. For some reason, modern audiences have accepted Zorro while rejecting the Lone Ranger. I don't know why. Maybe whips are cooler than silver bullets?
But Zorro is definitely the exception to the rule.
Come on, Hollywood. It’s not 1930 any more. People don’t listen to serialized radio shows any more. They don’t read the Sunday Funnies like they used to. Pulp magazines are long gone. It’s not realistic for Hollywood to expect all movie-lovers to be entertained by the same heroes that our great grandparents enjoyed.
I mean, you don’t see people lining up to see Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers any more. Those space jockies have been replaced by more modern heroes found in the STAR WARS and STAR TREK series.
It is worth noting that Harry Potter, the most successful cinematic character of all time, was created in 1997. Clearly audiences are hungry for new heroes.
Every new generation creates its own mythologies. There is no need to be so dependent on ideas that worked generations ago. 
Not every hero is meant to last forever. John Carter is proof of that. I would be surprised if he ever showed up in a movie again.
But as for his brother Tarzan? I can  just picture cinema-goers lining up now to check out this iconic character in his next cinematic adventure, watching him swing through the trees and give that famous yell… proving my point, that great heroes live forever, and second-rate ones exist as  barely-remembered answers to trivia questions.
One can argue that the recent Tintin movie was such a huge hit overseas that it didn’t even need to be released in this country. And that would have been fine with us.
Americans are a stubborn lot, especially when it comes to who we worship as heroes. We have demonstrated time and again that we don’t care how things are done in Europe. We rejected the metric system, we refuse to accept David Hasselhoff as a pop singer, and we know that soccer doesn't count as a real sport.
We don’t care if Tintin is hugely popular in Europe. We don’t care that his adventures ran for nearly 50 years overseas. No one in this country will ever care about him.
Because we’re Americans, dammit. And we choose our heroes very carefully!

THE 100 COOLEST THINGS OF THE LAST 100 YEARS

THE 100 COOLEST THINGS OF THE LAST 100 YEARS

By Barry Dutter

1) McDonald’s French Fries. If I could only have one food to eat for the rest of my life, that would be it.

2) The episodes of the SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN where he fought Bigfoot and the Fembots.

3) The sound that Speed Racer’s car made when it would jump through the air.

4) No list of cool things would be complete without a mention of the Fonz, but I should specify here that it a very specific era of Fonzie we are talking about: after he stopped wearing the windbreaker and before he put on those water skis and performed a life-threatening stunt over a certain pointy-finned fish.

5) The Batmobile from the 1966 Batman TV series. Coolest car ever!

6) In 1984, when Mr. T’s team lost the tug of war in the BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS, everyone assumed he would flip out and go berserk. Instead, he accepted defeat like a true warrior, saying simply, “Mr. T don’t make no excuses. The better team won.” I always thought he displayed a quiet dignity that we could all learn from.


7) Saturday morning cartoons were great, but I always had a soft spot for the Saturday morning live action shows like LAND OF THE LOST, BIG JOHN, LITTLE JOHN, FAR-OUT SPACE NUTS, SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS, and H.R. PUFNSTUFF.

8) Greatest children’s movie of all time: WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. Gene Wilder’s performance in the title role was sheer genius.

9) THE LARRY SANDERS SHOW. The best show HBO ever put on the air.

10) Any comic book by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.

11) The special effects in THE MATRIX definitely took things to the next level.

12) The early films of James Cameron, especially TERMINATOR 1 and 2 and ALIENS.

13) The rise of grunge music in the early 90s helped slam the door on bubble gum pop for almost a decade and produced some timeless bands like Nirvana and Pearl Jam.

14) One-hit wonders of the 70s. Who could forget such classic tunes as “Sky High” by Jigsaw, or “Brother Louie” by Stories, or “Rock On” by David Essex or…

15) Southern rock of the 70s, especially anything by .38 Special, Llynyrd Skynyrd, Little River Band, and the Atlanta Rhythm Section.

16) New Wave Music of the 80s, especially the Police, the Cars, the Cure, Depeche Mode, and New Order.


17) Saturday Night Live: The first two seasons with the original Not Ready For Prime-Time players: Chevy Chase, John Belushi, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, Jane Curtain, etc.

18) SCTV, the TV series. It was never as popular as SNL, but it was often  funnier.

19) The British Invasion of the 60s, starting with the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, and including such bands as the Troggs, the Animals, the Zombies, and the Hollies.

20) Freakies Cereal. Sure, it was the latest in a long line of Cap’n Crunch rip-offs, but it had great commercials and very cool toy prizes inside each box.

21) Jack Nicholson in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST. The best performance by any actor, ever!

22) The spy craze of the 60s, led by good ol’ 007 himself, James Bond.

23) Teen sex comedies of the 80s, especially RISKY BUSINESS, FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, LAST AMERICAN VERSION, and HEAVEN HELP US.

24) SEINFELD. The best sitcom of the 90s, and perhaps the most beloved of all time.

25) The movie DESTROY ALL MONSTERS.  Talk about an all-star cast: Godzilla (and his son), Rodan, King Ghidorah, Anguirus and Gorosaurus. Great actors, all.

26) IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD MAD WORLD. The film is slow in parts and probably too long by about an hour, but you will never find a funnier group of people in one movie. Jonathan Winters, Buddy Hackett, Milton Berhle, Sid Caesar, Ethyl Merman, Dick Shawn…

27) The Monkees TV series. I watched it as a kid, and I always wished I could grow up to be one of the Monkees -- live in a beach house, drive a cool car, chase girls, get chased by monsters and mobsters -- and lip synch songs, too!

28) Farrah Fawcett’s immortal “lion’s mane” hairstyle from the 1970s -- the greatest hairstyle of any woman, ever!

29) Wacky Packages trading cards. Sure, the gum tasted like cardboard, but the cards were hilarious.

30) MAD Magazine, especially in the late 60s/early 70s, when it had its last great creative burst.

31) The SIMPSONS (the first five seasons), FAMILY GUY, BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD and SOUTH PARK. Cartoons for kids of all ages.

32) The theme song from the cartoon COURAGEOUS CAT AND MINUTE MOUSE. Coolest theme song ever?

33) Wouldja believe GET SMART with Don Adams.

34) The Internet. How did we ever find pics of naked celebrities without it?

35) The Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog. (Sorry, Victoria’s Secret catalog, but the girls in the Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog are way sluttier!)

36) Classic TV commercials of the 70s, especially the ones for STAY ALIVE, BATTLESHIP, CONNECT 4, and CALGON.

37) STAR WARS: the first two movies from 1977 and 1980, before Jar jar and the Ewoks were introduced and it all went so horribly wrong.

38) The PLANET OF THE APES movies from 1969-75. They got worse with each one, but still, for kids in the 70s, they were as good as movies got.

39) GI JOE with the Kung fu grip.

40) The Evel Knieval stunt cycle toy from the 70s. It was even more fun than jumping over Snake River Canyon!

41) The sound made when one Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot knocks the block off another.

42) Lots of U.S. Presidents have cheated on their wives, but you have to respect JFK for using his presidential power to bang the then-hottest woman in the world, Marilyn Monroe!

43) 48 Hrs. (with Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte), the movie that redefined the buddy movie for the 80s generation.

44) The various dances performed by the Peanuts gang in A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS.

45) TV comedy/variety shows of the 70s, including THE SONNY AND CHER SHOW, THE RICH LITTLE SHOW, THE CAPTAIN AND TENILLE SHOW, and TONY ORLANDO AND DAWN.

46) Three great comic strips that all came and went in the 90s: THE FAR SIDE, CALVIN & HOBBES, and BLOOM COUNTY. They are missed. It seems we will never see their likes again.

47) Disneyland’s Space Mountain. Whoever had the idea of putting a rollercoaster inside a mountain was a genius!

48) Scott Baio’s list of conquests has never been topped by any man and probably never will: Nicole Eggert, Pamela Anderson, Heather Locklear, Denise Richards, and God only knows how many Playboy Playmates. Most importantly, he had them all in their prime!

49) STAR TREK 2: THE WRATH OF KHAN. No other STAR TREK movie before or since was ever as good.

50) The comedy stylings of legendary stand-ups like Steve Martin, Chris Rock, and George Carlin.

51) TRILOGY OF TERROR, the TV movie from 1973, featuring that deadly little Tiki Doll!

52) GOODFELLAS -- both the book and the movie. Each one made me want to become a gangster!

53) Any episode of the BRADY BUNCH where the kids sang.

54) Quisp Cereal -- gone too soon.

55) Going into a midnight showing of RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD with low expectations and finding out it was THE BEST ZOMBIE MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!

56) I remember when Erika Eleniak left Baywatch, there was a lot of concern that the show would never find another girl with the same impact. Then along came Pam Anderson, and sex symbol history was made!

57) Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein (and Dracula… and the Wolfman!).

58) Any Three Stooges short with Curly. (No Shemps!)

59) Monty Python and the Holy Grail -- the funniest movie of all time!

60) Americas complete and total rejection of the Metric System in the early 1970s. It was a classic example of the people of the USA saying, “We don’t care how the rest of the world does it. We don’t care that it’s a more sensible system than the one we have now. We’re not changing for anybody!” 

61) Howard Stern’s move to Sirius satellite radio, which paved the way for his now-uncensored show to become better than ever.

62) The theme song to MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.

63) The old Warner Brothers cartoons where Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck used to go head-to-head -- especially the “Duck Season/Rabbit season” classics.

64) 70's R & B music: The Spinners. The O'Jays. The Stylistics. The Honey Combs. Earth Wind & Fire. So many great bands. So many unforgettable songs.

65) The arrival of Pop Rocks and Space Dust on the candy scene in the 1970s were certainly revolutionary.

66) The BUFFALO BILL SHOW with DABNEY COLEMAN. Just one of many great shows that was gone before it’s time -- like THE BEN STILLER SHOW.

67) Hugh Hefner’s life. His whole life, from the time he founded Playboy to the present.

68) CBS’ Saturday Night line-up in 1972: All in the Family, M*A*S*H*, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Bob Newhart Show, The Carol Burnett Show. The best TV line-up in the history of television. 

69) No matter how many video games come and go, for me, they will never top MS. PAC-MAN!

70) Classic candies: TART N TINIES, SWEET TARTS, and SPREES!

71) BUBBLE YUM definitely took the concept of chewing gum to the next level.

72) In the days before VCRs, DVRs and DVDs, I will never forget my father waking up my brother and I to watch a late-night showing of WAR OF THE GARGANTUAS when we were kids. The movie kind of sucked, but was more about the anticipation than the event itself.

73) Halle Berry pocketing an extra $500,000 to show her boobs in SWORDFISH is surely a cinematic milestone. That’s $250,000 per breast!

74) The theme song to HAWAII FIVE-O.

75) Angelina Jolie’s lips. ‘Nuff said.

76)  The original DIE HARD. It changed action movies FOREVER!

77) Staying up till midnight to watch the TWILIGHT ZONE five nights a week.

78) KOLCHAK THE NIGHT STALKER -- one of the great lost shows of the 1970s. That show was part of the proud tradition of networks airing spooky shows (like GHOST STORY or THE X FILES) on Friday nights. 

79) THE HOBBIT -- the original book by JRR Tolkien which was much more entertaining than the somewhat bloated LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy that came later.

80) Julie Newmar -- the sexiest Catwoman who ever was and ever will be.

81) Zim-Zam -- perhaps the greatest backyard game of all time.

82) My LANCELOT LINK, SECRET CHIMP lunchbox. Wish I still had it!

83) The Boardwalk in Wildwood, NJ. You have to see it to believe it.

84) The video for “Centerfold” by the J. Geils Band -- the first time that I recall that anyone had the idea of putting sexy, scantily-clad girls in a music video. Truly the J. Geils Band were visionaries.

85) The San Diego Comic Con.

86) The rise of “jiggle TV” in the 1970s, where all the girls had to do was “jump and giggle.” Having such shows as CHARLIE’S ANGELS, THREE’S COMPANY, and WONDER WOMAN made going through puberty much easier!

87) The monster in the 1983 horror movie THE THING.

88) The animated movie MAD MONSTER PARTY. It used to play on TV all the time when I was a kid, and I watched it every time.

89) Singer/songwriters of the 70s, including Billy Joel, James Taylor, Carol King, Paul Simon, and Jackson Brown.

90) Springsteen. Born to Run. (as a guy from New Jersey, I’m required by law to list that one, though I actually enjoy Born in the USA more as an album.)

91) The first Superman movie with Christopher Reeve in 1979. Has any other actor ever played a superhero so well?

92) Coolest kids’ books of all time: WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE, CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG, and HAROLD AND THE PURPLE CRAYON.

93) The disaster movie craze of the 70s: EARTHQUAKE, THE TOWERING INFERNO, THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, AIRPORT, etc etc. These movies generally had all-star casts, great special effect, and cool gimmicks like SENSURROUND!

94) Kim Kardashian’s butt. That is one of the top wonders of the world, comparable to the Great Wall of China or the Great Pyramids of Egypt.

95) 3 classic candy bars: Marathon Bars, Charleston Chews, and Kit Kats.

96) Count Chocula. Coco Puffs. And Cocoa Krispies. The one-two-three punch of classic chocolate-flavored cereals. (Sorry, Cocoa Pebbles, but you just don’t make the cut.)

97) Raquel Welch -- best sex symbol ever?  Yep!

98) New York-style pizza.

99) Marvel super-heroes like Spider-Man and the Hulk -- with their very human flaws and personality quirks, they were always so much more relatable than the one-dimensional DC heroes.

100) The Mighty Heroes cartoon series (1966-67). Their names are legendary: Strong Man. Tornado Man. Cuckoo Man. Rope Man. And who could forget -- Diaper Man!