The Howard Stern Show has settled into a disturbing pattern of late, where Howard talks less and less, and Artie Lange talks more and more. Worst of all, Howard’s memory is so bad that he keeps asking Artie to repeat the same stories he has told before. And Artie loves talking so much, he is happy to oblige.
Here is the rundown of how a typical show goes these days:
1) The show starts with Howard trying to figure out how many more days are left on his contract.
2) Howard asks Artie how his weekend went. This allows Artie to go on for 20-minutes talking about his stand-up gigs/book signings/encounters with Whack Packers.
3) Time for Artie to tell one of his long showbiz stories, usually one he has told many times before, like the time Don Rickles called him a baby gorilla.
4) A pretty girl comes in. Artie calls her “the hottest girl we’ve ever had in here” and offers her money for sex. Again.
5) Time for Artie to do his patented Godfather impression for the 300th time
6) Howard asks Artie to tell the story of the time he wore a pig costume and got busted for cocaine possession, thus killing another 20 minutes of radio
7) Forgetting that he has told it before, Howard asks Artie to re-tell the story of the time his dad fell off the roof. Another 30 minutes gone.
8) A guest comes in. Artie winds up getting in a huge fight with the guest. Again, the segment becomes all about Artie, who claims that by attacking the guests, he is "doing his job."
9) A caller calls in with a question that has nothing to do with Artie. Somehow Artie manages to crowbar in another showbiz story, this one about either MAD TV or the Norm Show. Howard, realizing he won’t have to talk for another 20 minutes, kicks back and lets Artie do his thing.
10) It’s time for Robin’s news!
Total time Howard talks: About 15 minutes.
Total time Artie talks: About 3 hours and 45 minutes.
Oh, and after the show is over, Artie stops in for a visit to the WRAP-UP SHOW, which is supposed to be a recap and behind-the-scenes look at the Stern Show... but instead often winds up being a recap and behind-the-scenes look at Artie's drinking stories and yes, still more tedious showbiz tales. You know, it's possible that Artie is not as interesting as he thinks he is.
At this point, Howard might as well walk away from Sirius now. It looks to me like he has already retired.
