THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF FACEBOOK
By Barry Dutter
1) When all your friends on Facebook are talking about something, and you have no real opinion about the topic, make sure you chime in anyway. It’s important for your voice to be heard, even when you have absolutely nothing to say.
2) If someone posts a comment that is the deepest, most profound thought you have ever read, but the post has a typo, do not comment on the message contained in the post; only comment on the typo.
3) If one of your friends posts a picture that is the most beautiful picture of them ever taken, and the pic was taken in their bedroom, do not comment on how great they look; comment only on the stuff you see in their bedroom in the background.
4) If someone goes on Facebook and says how much they love a new movie or TV show that you really hate, make sure you let your friend know how much you hate the thing they love. In this way, maybe you can help educate them that their opinion is wrong!
5) Always post a pic of every meal you eat. Otherwise, how will people know what you ate?
6) Always make sure to post exactly when you are going to bed each night, as this is important information that everyone in the world needs to know.
7) When commenting on one of your friends’ posts, do not read any of the other comments that are already there. Because your comment is the only one that really matters!
8) Always post about politics and religion, because those are fun topics that everyone loves to get into lively debates about.
9) Always reveal the endings of TV shows and movies that your Facebook friends haven’t seen yet --especially if you live on the East Coast. It is essential for you East Coasters to spoil any surprises for people who live on the West Coast, because people hate surprises!
10) Always click “Like” on your friends’ posts, even if don’t actually like them. In fact, you should click like even if you didn’t actually read the post, or read the article that was attached or watch the video. It’s just a gentle way of showing support for a friend.
And remember: No matter how deep your thoughts, no matter how wise your philosophy, nothing you post on Facebook will ever get as many “Likes” as a girl with big boobs taking a selfie in her bathroom mirror! :D
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
WHY WINTER SOLDIER IS THE BEST MARVEL MOVIE EVER By Barry Dutter
THE WINTER SOLDIER is the best Marvel movie to date for three reasons. 1) It stays fairly true to the source material, and 2) The changes that it does make are actually an improvement on the source material; and 3) It treats the heroes with respect and dignity.
When people ask me why I hate on super-hero movies all the time, it generally comes down to movies that do the opposite of the three things listed above.
I am constantly told by hard core comics fans that “what works in comics doesn’t work in movies.” Really? That’s interesting. Then why is it that most of the biggest movies of the past decade are all based on comic books?Could it be that what works in comics really does work on the big screen? Could it be that most of the changes that were made in super-hero movies over the past 10 or 15 years weren’t really necessary? Could it be that the real key is a good script, a good director, and a great cast, and that if you have all those elements, you hardly need to make any changes at all?
I remember when I went to see the first SPIDER-MAN movie in 2001, how disappointed I was that they left out my favorite part of his origin: the scene where Spidey decides to use his powers to become rich and famous by appearing on TV.
For years, Stan Lee has mentioned this scene as one of the things that makes Spidey so identifiable to readers: because Peter Parker does the same thing you or I might do when he first gets his powers. He selfishly uses his powers to pursue fame and fortune, before a personal tragedy causes him to rethink his egotistical ways and sets him on the right path.
I was bummed when that scene was missing from the first movie, but I figured they would get it right in the reboot. Imagine my disappointment when I found the scene was missing in the reboot, too. (For gosh sakes, Spider-Man’s origin is only 10 pages in AMAZING FANTASY #15. They can’t fit all of a 10-page story in a two-hour movie?)Now I have to wait for the next reboot to see if the writers include what is to me, one of the most important parts of the character’s origin. It's not just that Spidey was too arrogant to stop the burglar who would later kill his Uncle Ben -- it's that he was selfishly pursuing the glamorous life of a TV star and didn't want to be bothered. It is his own vanity that brings him down, and that is what all of the Spidey movies to date have missed.
This is the kind of thing that drives me crazy. I’ve been reading comics for over 40 years, and I consider them to be gospel, especially the seminal Marvel stuff from the 60s and 70s.
I understand why some changes must be made -- things like updating Iron Man’s origin from Viet Nam to Afghanistan just make good story sense, because having the character involved in the Viet Nam war would make him too old for Robert Downey Jr. to play him. But no one will ever convince me that 1989’s Batman was a better movie because the Joker, and not a random burglar, killed Batman’s parents. Or that the Spider-Man saga was improved by having the Sandman be the one who killed Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben.
Or that MAN OF STEEL is a better movie because Zod kills Jor-El before Krypton ever explodes.
This makes for a better story; it gives far more weight to the scenes where Steve Rogers realizes Bucky has returned.
And let’s face it, it makes far more sense for HYDRA to be kidnapping and experimenting on U.S. soldiers in World War 2 than it does for them to be going after teen sidekicks.
It’s too bad there is no way the comics can go back and make the Winter Soldier’s origin more like the one in the movies, but I’m afraid that ship has already sailed.
More than anything, WINTER SOLDIER is a story about friendship. Despite all the craziness going on with the three helicarriers and the rise of HYDRA and the fall of SHIELD, the movie never loses sight of the fact that this is a story about two old comrades-in-arms who are now fighting on opposite sides and have to learn to trust each other again.
Perhaps the most welcome development is that WINTER SOLDIER is a movie that is devoid of the sarcastic humor that has defined most Marvel movies. The Avengers had a couple of clever lines in it, but every character in the movie seemed to have the same sarcastic personality.
I hate to say it, but I’m not a fan of Robert Downey Jr’s portrayal of Tony Stark. Because he is not portraying the Tony Stark that we have known and loved in the comics for over 50 years. He is playing a Hollywood actor who is playing Tony Stark. I can never separate the actor from the character.Downey has got the look of Stark, and he certainly has charisma to spare, but at heart, to me, he is not playing Tony Stark. (For one thing, Marvel’s Tony Stark would never tell a child to “stop being such pussy about your dad dying.” That seems more like something a cynical Hollywood actor would say.)
Chris Evans, on the other hand, embodies the spirit of Captain America perfectly. He fully inhabits his role as the most positive and optimistic of all super-heroes. It would be easy to make a movie where Cap gets depressed about the way things are going in the modern world, especially when compared to “the Greatest Generation” that he came from.But Cap never loses hope. He always thinks things can be better. He may not always approve of the way things are done today, but in his heart, he believes that people will always do the right thing. He never loses faith in his country, even when he is given ample reason to do so.
This sense of hope pervades the movie, and seems to inspire the other characters in the film, such as Sharon Carter (SHIELD Agent 13), the Falcon, and the seen-it-all, done it all Black Widow.
Coming on the heels of MAN OF STEEL, a film where the filmmakers had so little faith that kids would respond to an old-fashioned super-hero, they structured their screenplay around the idea of Superman having to prove what a bad-ass he was by killing the villain. (Definitely feels like they came up with the ending first and then worked backwards.)
The makers of CATWS didn’t have to resort to such obvious gimmicks. They had enough faith in their hero to let him be who he is and always has been.
Most of the Marvel movies have at least one scene where the hero is treated like a joke, whether it be Spider-Man delivering pizzas in Spider-Man 2, Iron Man serving as a DJ at a party in IRON MAN 2, or the Thing getting pooped on by a pigeon in FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER.
But CAPTAIN AMERICA 2 doesn’t have any campy scenes like that, and I have to respect the filmmakers for that decision. They could have made the movie a fish-out of water comedy, where Cap is constantly reacting to such modern contrivances as cell phones and kids who wear their pants slung too low.Instead, they took him seriously. They let Cap be a soldier who is woken up in our time after a 50-year sleep and is ready to get back to work. Instead of being confused by our modern devices, Cap does what any soldier would do: he learns how to use these new tools in his war on crime. In other words, he adapts.
Perhaps the highest compliment I can five CATWS is that it feels like an issue of the comic book. That may not sound like much of a compliment, but you’d be amazed how many comic book movies don’t feel anything like the comics they are based on. (DAREDEVIL, anyone?)
The movie creates a new origin for the Falcon, which is not necessarily better than the one from the comics, but I can certainly understand the reasoning behind it.
The Falcon in the comics was originally Sam Wilson, a criminal who ended up on an island where he was brainwashed by the Red Skull into posing as a native islander and becoming Cap’s partner so he could later betray him.
That’s way too much back story to squeeze into a movie called THE WINTER SOLDIER. And besides, out of Marvel’s first 3 major black heroes -- Falcon, Black Panther and Luke Cage -- two of them were either convicts or criminals before they became super-heroes.
The Falcon’s new origin in CATWS changes that --- he is a former soldier from a military unit that developed the flying Falcon suit. Not the most inspired origin, but at least it allows Sam Wilson to make a fresh start as a stand-up guy instead of starting out as a convict.
Again, a change that makes sense. It’s not the most creative change, but it works. This movie really was not Sam Wilson’s story. His background can be fleshed out in future movies. This time, the focus is all on THE WINTER SOLDIER, who happens to be the hotter character at the moment.
When I watch a movie like the AVENGERS, I am turned off by the constant bickering of heroes who don’t play well together. I am saddened to see that the US government has so little faith in our heroes, they are willing to nuke the city of New York when it looks like the Avengers might lose the battle.
There is none of that nonsense in CATWS. In this movie, when Steve Rogers tells the government that he needs time to get the job done, they actually give him time to finish his mission.
With Cap working alongside Falcon, Black Widow and Nick Fury in this movie, in a way, this is the Avengers movie that THE AVENGERS could have been. But in this movie, the heroes all like each other! (And am I the only one who wanted to see Cap hook up with the Black Widow in WINTER SOLDIER? Their chemistry was off the charts!)
Do I have my gripes about CATWS? Sure. For one thing, the movie features 3 classic Cap villains (Arnim Zola, Crossbones and Batroc the Leaper), but none of them look the way they do in the comics. 
I’ve been told by industry pros that audiences would not accept these villains wearing costumes because it wouldn’t make sense. Really? Every person in the world knows who Captain America is in the movie but no one ever questions why he sometimes chooses to wear a mask.
Would CATWS have been any less successful if the villains had worn the costumes that they wear in the comics? I don’t think so. Clearly, an affectionate and faithful treatment of the characters is what brought people in to the theaters. The costumes would not have made a whit of difference to non-fans, but they would have brought knowing smile to longtime readers like myself.
I believe Captain America was one of the riskier heroes for Marvel to make a movie about. Even though he has been around for over 70 years, the reality is, his comic really hasn’t been popular since the 1940s. He has never been one of the top sellers like X-Men or Spider-Man. Perhaps the greatest accomplishment of the Cap movies is that they have made Cap a viable action hero for the young people of today.
I was not a huge fan of the first Cap movie because as one friend noted, “It was all back-story.” Basically, they took an entire movie to get Cap from the 1940s to modern times. They could have just started the movie with Cap thawing out of an iceberg and adjusting to modern life, but they felt the need to tell the whole story.
That made for a by-the-numbers first film. But the pay-off comes in the sequel, where our knowledge of Cap’s past gives the film added layers. CATWS has more heart than THE AVENGERS and all 3 IRON MAN movies put together.
It’s a fitting continuation of the saga, the rare sequel that expands on and improves on the original.
In the comics, the WINTER SOLDIER was one of the biggest Cap epics of the last 20 years. The only one bigger? The Death of Cap, followed by Bucky Barnes taking over Cap’s costumed identity. I guess we know what we can expect in Cap 3...One last thing I feel I should mention is that the fight scenes in Cap 2 are all top-notch. This is exactly what a super-hero fight scene is supposed to look like. Cap’s shield is used perfectly in the movie. (Well -- almost. Cap’s shield is supposed to absorb the impact of any force that is used against it. But there are scenes in CATWS where something hits Cap’s shield and he goes flying. That should never happen. Even if you fire a missile at Cap’s shield and the missile explodes, Cap himself should be able to stand his ground.)
But the shield-throwing scenes are flawless. I love the way Cap can throw in any direction and it always returns to his hand. It is never explained and no one ever questions it. It just happens.
Why? Because that’s how it works in the comics. ‘Nuff said!
PS: My suggested villain for Cap 3: MODOK! (Looking exactly like he does in the comics, natch!)
Thursday, April 3, 2014
THE 100 WORST THINGS OF ALL TIME By Barry Dutter
1) 1977: A fat, bloated Elvis dies on the toilet, while trying to pass one of his famous fried peanut butter, honey and banana sandwiches. A sad ending for a king.
2) The 25th anniversary remake of “We Are The World.” The original had such superstars as Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan. The remake had Robin Thicke, Vince Vaughn, Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber. ‘Nuff said.
3) Any movie where SYLVESTER STALLONE tried his hand at comedy, such as RHINESTONE or STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT!
4) Charlie Sheen stands to pocket $200 million from doing 100 episodes of his crappy TV show, ANGER MANAGEMENT, in one of the biggest TV payouts of all time. (This comes after his $100 million payout when he got fired from TWO AND A HALF MEN.) Great. More money for him to spend on booze, coke and whores.
5) Any TV reunion movie that comes 20 or 30 years after the original show went off the air and the actors all look so old and sad -- like that Mary Tyler Moore TV movie where she reunites with Rhoda and you find out that neither of them was able to sustain a successful relationship; or that ODD COUPLE reunion with Tony Randall and Jack Klugman where you find out that Oscar is suffering from throat cancer. What a laugh riot that one was!
6) In 1977, Disney released an album called MICKEY MOUSE DISCO, in an attempt to cash in on the disco craze. It was a horrible idea. You really don’t know suffering until you’ve heard the disco version of “It’s a Small World.”
7) All of the CAP’N CRUNCH spin-off cereals were disappointing. PEANUT BUTTER CRUNCH was god-awful. But when they came out with CRUNCH BERRIES, I wanted to puke! That Crunch berry Beast should be shot, stuffed and mounted for forcing his crappy cereal on us.
8) Eve Plumb, the original Jan, chose not to return for the BRADY BUNCH COMEDY VARIETY HOUR, proving herself not to be a team player!
9) Tina Louise passed on RESCUE FROM GILLIGAN’S ISLAND, thus denying fans the closure of seeing the real Ginger rescued.
10) Any TV series that started out as a character on TV commercials, like CAVEMEN or BABY BOB.
11) When NBC tried to continue CHICO AND THE MAN after Freddie Prinze had died by replacing him with a little kid, also named Chico. Likewise, the same network’s attempt to revive SANFORD AND SON in the 80s by replacing the son -- Lamont -- with a big, fat redneck white guy. Sometimes it seems like networks just don’t understand why we watch the shows we watch.
12) I can’t decide which was worse -- Chevy Chase collecting a $3 million paycheck after his late night Fox talk show was canceled after 5 weeks, or Conan O’Brien collecting a check for $45 million after his ill-fated attempt to take over THE TONIGHT SHOW (which lasted seven months).
13) Tom and Jerry, the most overrated cat and mouse team in the business. Can you believe they actually awarded Oscars to these two stiffs? For that matter, Heckle and Jekyll, the original Mighty Mouse and Magilla Gorilla all sucked, too!
14) 1978: The movie SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEART’S CLUB BAND was released, starring Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees. They took one of the best albums of all time and turned it into one of the worst movies of all time.
15) That period on WELCOME BACK, KOTTER when Gabe Kaplan quit the show, and John Travolta had left, as well -- and Kotter's wife, who had up to then been a peripheral character, suddenly became the Vice-Principal of the school. Here's a suggestion -- when the star of your show quits, maybe you should just cancel the show.
16) THE MATRIX sequels. They may not be the worst sequels ever made but they certainly squashed any promise shown by the innovative original.
17) Michael Jackson’s transformation from a normal black kid to an ugly white woman with no nose was surely one of the sadder celebrity transformations. And that time Michael kissed Lisa Marie Presley at the MTV Awards -- gross!
18) NBC’s so-called “Must -See TV” Thursday night line-up has always included a few stinkers like NIGHT COURT, VERONICA’S CLOSET, CAROLINE IN THE CITY and THE SINGLE GUY.
19) Dennis Miller as a co-host on Monday Night Football was surely one of the biggest gaffs in broadcasting history. Could it be that NFL fans really don’t care what Kierkegaard would have said?
20) That scene in the 1979 Superman movie where the Man of Steel turns back time by spinning the Earth backwards? That went down in history as one of the all-time worst movie endings. It was so ridiculous that for many people, it ruined what was otherwise a great movie.
21) Daytime TV overall is pretty retched. Most of the shows consist of angry people yelling at each other over who’s the father, and then pretending to fight. (Did you ever notice that none of the punches on THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW ever actually connect?) And then to add insult to injury, most of the commercials on daytime TV tell you what you what a loser you are for being home in the daytime and that you should go back to school. Hey, some of us actually work at home!
22) In the 1988 TV movie THE DEATH OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK, the Hulk, the most powerful being on Earth, gets killed by falling out of a plane. Apparently, Hulk can survive bullets, missiles and bombs, but not a 500-foot fall. Ugh! And they even had Bill Bixby sing a sappy song as the Hulk was falling to his death!
23) The movie JAWS 4: THE REVENGE had the worst tagline in movie history: "This time, it's personal." What the f*ck was it the first 3 times when the same family of sharks shark kept attacking members of the same human family?
24) Justin Beiber started out as an annoying pop star, and quickly went on to become the biggest douche bag of the new millennium.
25) The films of Kevin Smith. I'll admit I liked CHASING AMY, and I know CLERKS has a rabid following, but the rest of his filmography is pure crap. From MALLRATS to JAY & SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK to DOGMA to ZACH & MIRI make a porno, it's all pure crap!
26) The fact that David Goyer writes just about every superhero movie ever made, and he's juts not that good. The BLADE trilogy, the DARK KNIGHT TRILOGY, MAN OF STEEL -- enough is enough! Give another writer a chance!
27) The way that TV writers bring in a new kid after a sitcom has been on the air for a few years, based on the assumption that the original kids are not “cute” enough any more. (Examples: Cousin Oliver on THE BRADY BUNCH, Ralph Macchio on EIGHT IS ENOUGH, and Leonardo DiCaprio on GROWING PAINS. As if there weren’t enough Brady’s, Bradfords, and Seavers already.)
28) The period where Bo and Luke left THE DUKES OF HAZZARD to be replaced by two lame cousins named Coy and Vance. It made people appreciate the greatness of Bo and Luke!
29) At the peak of his popularity, Andrew Dice Clay made the unwatchable movie, THE ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLANE. Then he went on national TV and broke down and cried while apologizing for telling jokes that may have hurt people’s feelings. Rarely has the fall of a comic been so sad.
30) The cinematic output of Bob Clark. Although people often cite Ed Wood as the worst director of all time, no one can beat Clark. Just check out his credits. RHINESTONE, PORKY’s, PORKY’S 2: THE NEXT DAY, BABY GENIUSES, SUPERBABIES, TURK 182, LOOSE CANNONS,
KARATE DOG, SHE-MAN, and others too numerous to mention. Thankfully his output has slowed down over the past few years.
31) The death of Captain Kirk in STAR TREK: GENERATIONS was handled in a clumsy and inept manner that was a sad ending for a legendary hero. For that matter, the trend of giving Vulcan females the same haircuts as Vulcan males really sucked, too. They started doing it in STAR TREK V and kept it up on the TV
show STAR TREK ENTERPRISE. But if you look back at the original TV series from the 1960s and the earlier movies, Vulcan females -- like Spock’s mom and Savik -- often had long, flowing hair.
32) The fact that most people never realized that Disney’s movie THE LION KING was a blatant rip-off of a Japanese cartoon called KIMBA THE WHITE LION, which as one of the greatest cartoons ever.
33) The fact that almost every leading man role on TV and the movies now seems to go to British and Australian actors doing bad American accents. Even Superman and Spider-Man are now played by Brits. It’s a miracle that Captain America is actually played by an American!
34) In 2004, Stan Lee sued Marvel Comics for a share of the profits from the movies based on characters he co-created. It’s really sad when a living legend like Stan the man has to sue to get what he feels is coming to him.
35) The practice of sports arenas being named after the company that owns them is an old one --look at Wrigley Field -- but in recent years, the trend has gotten out of hand, resulting in boring, forgettable names like National Car Rental Center, 3Com Stadium, and the TWA Dome.
36) The episode of LOST IN SPACE with the space hippies has to be one of the worst things ever. I mean, really, why would there be hippies in space?
37) Certain singers are so starved for creativity that when it came time to record one new song for their “Greatest Hits” album, they just took their most popular song and redid it. This resulted in lame remakes like Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love ‘97,” Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer ‘94.” and Cyndi Lauper’s “(Hey Now) Girls Just Wanna Have Fun ‘94.”
38) The fact that most celebrities don’t appear in Playboy until their careers have faded and they’re well past their prime. (Examples: Belinda Carlyle, Farrah Fawcett, Suzanne Somers, Tia Carrere.)
39) The way a network will clone its own hit TV shows to fill up their schedule to the point where NBC once had 10 hours of LAW & ORDER on their 22-hour weekly schedule. CBS is just as bad with their CSI clones. Back in my day, a network would fill its schedule with 22 hours of shows that were all unique. They may not have all been good, but at least they all weren’t the same show!
40) Any TV show that tries to continue after one of the main stars has quit the show -- Richie Cunningham leaving HAPPY DAYS, Mike and Gloria leaving ALL IN THE FAMILY. But perhaps the worst example is THE OFFICE, which limped along for 2 shockingly unfunny seasons after star Steve Carell left to do movies.
41) The practice of giving woefully unfunny stand-up comics their own TV shows in an attempt to recreate the success of Cosby, Seineld and Roseanne. Comics who I have never laughed at include Tim Allen, Ray Romano and Ellen Degeneres.
42) In THE FLINTSTONES movie, they picked big, fat Rosie O’Donnell to play Betty, when, in fact, Betty has always been better-looking than Wilma. That may have been the worst casting of all time.
43) When Bruce Springsteen stopped being a rocker and switched to being more of a folk singer, it was a sad day for rock music. And when he came out with that generic song, “57 Channels And Nothing on,” it nearly killed his career.
44) Three words: Jar-Jar Binks! (And don’t get me started on people who wait in line for days or even weeks until a new movie comes out! News flash -- it‘s just a movie, and you will have plenty of chances to see it.)
45) Michael Crichton’s novel, JURASSIC PARK, about an amusement park where something goes wrong and the attractions start killing people -- was a direct rip-off of his earlier novel, WESTWORLD. I know great writers often return to the same themes, but… come on!
46) Martin Scorsese, our greatest living director, did not win the Academy Award for any of his brilliant films like TAXI DRIVER, RAGING BULL or GOODFELLAS. Instead, he won for THE DEPARTED, one of his worst movies.
47) In 1983, just before the release of RETURN OF THE JEDI, USA Today came out with a story that gave away the ending of the movie. The headline read, "Surprise! Darth's a Good Guy!" In those per-Internet days, it was shocking to have a a major spoiler in a national newspaper. That ruined my enjoyment of a movie I had waited 3 years for. I have never really forgiven USA Today for that one!
48) The 1977 STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, which had the revolutionary idea of combining the STAR WARS mythos with a typical 1970s comedy-variety hour. With guest stars including ART CARNEY and BEA ARTHUR, it was like THE LOVE BOAT in space!
49) Overweight comedians dying way before their time. John Belushi, John Candy, Chris Farley… all gone too soon.
50) The TV series MY TWO DADS, starring MAD ABOUT YOU’s Paul Reiser and BJ AND THE BEAR’S Greg Evigan, had one of the worst premises ever. I would have loved to have heard the pitch meeting for that one. “It’s about this woman, see, and she’s got two lovers that are completely opposite of each other. The woman gets pregnant, has a baby, and dies! Ten years later, her daughter grows up and moves in with both guys, cuz they can’t figure out which of them is her real father!” The only way that show could have been worse is if the little girl had been a robot!
51) Back in my day, girls who modeled hair and cosmetics were high fashion models. These days, they will just try to take any actress or singer and try to convince us they are beautiful models. Sorry, Tina Fey and Queen Latifah, but you are not models.
52) Geraldo Rivera’s 1986 TV special where he opened Al Capone’s vault. Millions waited 2 hours to watch Geraldo find an empty liquor bottle!
53) Just about any movie ever made that was based on a video game. (SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, anyone?)
54) Any movie sequel that featured none of the stars that made the first movie such a big hit. Such as GREASE 2, THE STING 2, CADDYSHACK 2, etc.
55) Movies based on TV shows that nobody liked in the first place, like MCHALE’S NAVY and THE MOD SQUAD.
56) The number of rock stars who are members of the Dead at 27 Club: Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and of course, Kurt Cobain.
57) Whenever a long-running character leaves a TV series, he is invariably replaced by a less entertaining character. Examples: Coach replaced by Woody on CHEERS. Trapper John replaced by BJ on M*A*S*H. And Chrissy replaced with Cindy on THREE’S COMPANY.
58) The trend of doing PG-rated sequels to R-rated movies is an annoying one. (Examples: All the BAD NEWS BEARS, ROBOCOP, and TERMINATOR sequels.) As one Hollywood exec once put it, “The first one, we do for the grown-ups. The next ones, we do for the kids.” All this does is take away the edge from something that had been really cool.
59) Two words: Vanilla Ice.
60) Two more words: Milli Vanilli.
61) Almost all of the Grammy winners for “Best New Artist” have been pretty lame. Jody Watley, Culture Club, Sheena Easton, Christopher Cross, Rikki Lee Jones, A Taste of Honey (apparently the Academy predicted big things for the band that brought us “Boogie Oogie Ooogie!), Debby Boone and the Starland Vocal Band. (Sure, they gave us the immortal “Afternoon Delight,” but what have they done for us lately?)
62) People who post on face book what time they are going to sleep. Who the f* ck needs to know this?
63) In the 1970s, Burt Reynolds was the king of the box office. He then released a string of films so horrendous, so offensive to the American public that his career never fully recovered. (A partial list: SMOKEY & THE BANDIT 2, CANNONBALL RUN 2, STICK, HEAT, MALONE, THE END, RENT-A-COP, STROKER ACE, SWITCHING CHANNELS…I could go on all day. Has any major star ever squandered the good will of his fans so completely?
64) Madonna’s SEX book was a great idea, in theory -- a whole book full of nude pictures of the Material Girl, engaging in all sorts of sexual shenanigans. But the photos were often uninspired and the book’s metal covers and spiral binding made it extremely difficult to, shall we say, utilize it to its fullest potential.
65) MTV stopped showing music videos years ago, but that was only the beginning of a trend where channels stopped showing the types of programming that they were created to show. The president of the Cartoon Network announced that he didn’t want to show cartoons. CNN Headline News stopped showing Headline News. Court TV stopped showing Court Shows. The History Channel started showing made-up stories. The guy running the Game Show network said he wanted to get away from game shows. And perhaps most egregiously, American Movie Classics stopped showing classic movies from the 1930s and 40s ands started showing modern crap from the 80s and 90s! What’s next -- BET airing shows about white people?
66) The 1998 big-budget GODZILLA movie actually managed to be much worse than the cheesy, low- budget Japanese flicks we used to make fun of. (As soon as I heard that the hero of the movie was Matthew Broderick, playing a worm expert, I knew it was going to suck!)
67) I still say it’s not fair that the Ropers were not allowed to return to THREE’S COMPANY after the failure of their own show. But Enos was allowed to return to THE DUKES OF HAZZARD after his spin-off tanked!
68) Ok, so just about every movie ever made with the word “Mars” in the title has either bombed or sucked -- everything from MARS NEEDS WOMEN to MARS ATTACKS to MISSION TO MARS to the all-time classic bad movie, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS. So when Disney was ready
to launch their big-screen version of JOHN CARTER, WARLORD OF MARS, they figured they’d better not put the word “Mars” in the title because it might jinx the movie. So they timidly took the phrase “WARLORD OF MARS” out, leaving them with just “JOHN CARTER” -- surely the most boring movie title of all time. They took out the one thing that makes the guy interesting -- you know, the fact that he is a WARLORD OF MARS!!!
69) The fact that just about every major movie and every show on TV stars an English or Australian actor doing a bad American accent. I mean, even SUPERMAN, BATMAN and SPIDER-MAN are now played by English actors. It’s a miracle that CAPTAIN AMERICA is played by an actual American!
70) The Macarena, the Electric Slide, and any other song that involves any type of line-dancing, especially the Electric Slide.
71) Just about any album released by a TV star, especially those released by William Shatner, Joe Pesci, Bruce Willis and Don Johnson.
72) The way that EDDIE MURPHY went from being the funniest, raunchiest, most fowl-mouthed comic alive -- to being a bland, boring actor who only makes sappy kids films. Truly, having children is the worst thing that can ever happen to any comedian!
73) Hollywood’s annoying practice of taking classic TV shows and remaking them with all-black casts. (THE ODD COUPLE, THE HONEYMOONERS…)
74) NBC’s entire line-up under Fred Silverman circa 1983. The former programming wunderkind who previously led NBC and CBS to first place, tried for the Triple Crown when he came to NBC. He hoped to take NBC all the way to the top with such shows as SUPERTRAIN, MANIMAL, MISFITS OF SCIENCE, PINK LADY & JEFF, and McLean Stevenson’s HELLO LARRY! You know your network is in trouble when your three strongest shows are DIFF’RENT STROKES, CHiPS, and BJ & THE BEAR!
75) The way that James Bond started shilling licensed products in all his movies is pathetic. Sometimes it seems like the movies are just excuses to have Bond plug products. In one movie, they had him drinking Smirnoff vodka, which James Bond would never ask for. In another one, they had him plugging beer. Beer?!
76) The obsession TV producers have of giving every character on Saturday morning TV a slapstick sidekick who is really nothing more than a pint-sized rip-off of the main character. Examples: Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo. Godzilla and Gadzooky. And Plastic Man and (gag!) Baby Plas!
77) Any movie sequel that features the off-screen deaths of major characters, thus rendering the previous movies utterly pointless. Examples: In TERMINATOR 3, we find out that Sarah Conner, the ultimate survivor from the first 2 films, died of cancer. And in the miserable ALIEN 3, we learn that Newt and Hicks died in their sleep because their space pods leaked. What a cop-out!
78) The way they gradually took the word “Sugar” out of the names of all cereals. As a kid, I used to eat SUGAR SMACKS, SUGAR POPS and SUGAR-FROSTED FLAKES! Cereal companies used to promote how much sugar they had in all their cereals, like it was a good thing. Now they try to make everything sound healthier, when it really isn’t. Just because you changed the name, doesn’t make it any healthier!
79) The way that dumb chacracters on TV get increasingly dumber as the show goes on because it’s easy for lazy writers to write “dumb: jokes. Examples: Homer Simpson, Potsie from HAPPY DAYS, Chrissy from THREE’S COMPANY. The characters start off a little slow, then wind up functionally retarded about halfway through the third season.
80) The song “Convoy,” released at the peak of the CB radio craze in the 1970s. It would be like releasing a song called “Internet” in 1999. The song was so bad, you wished everyone involved with it would get run over by a truck!
81) Producer Drew Barrymore cast herself as an Angel in the big-screen version of CHARLIE’S ANGELS. She’s semi-attractive but she is no one’s idea of what a Charlie’s Angel looks like.
82) Bad movies based on SNL skits. Among them: IT’S PAT; CONEHEADS; STUART SAVES HIS FAMILY; BLUES BROTHERS 2000, WAYNE’S WORLD 2, etc etc. For that matter the last half hour of any episode of SNL has always sucked, regardless of which season it was or who was in the cast.
83) Vanessa Williams had her Miss America crown taken away because PENTHOUSE published nude lesbian photos of her. It seems to me that a great injustice was committed here. This type of behavior should be rewarded, not punished. We should be encouraging more Miss Americas to do this sort of stuff.
84) Lightning struck twice for Van Halen when they replaced David Lee Roth with Sammy Hagar and went on to even greater success. But the third time was definitely not the charm. The band struck out when they replaced Hagar with Gary Cirrone, the former lead singer of Extreme, which inspired extreme apathy on the part of all Van Halen fans.
85) Ever since short, chinless Michael Keaton was cast in BATMAN in 1989, every actor who has played the character since then has tried to do that same dumb scratchy voice.
86) The DIFF’RENT STROKES curse, which has affected all the young stars of that show. Dano Plato committed suicide. Todd Bridges has been to prison. And Gary Coleman had all kinds of health and personal problems before his death at the age of 40.
87) The characters from THAT 70’S SHOW never used any slang from the 70s. In fact, they often used phrases from the 80s like “awesome” or words that weren‘t even invented until the 90s, like “skank.” Basically, they got the “look” of the show right, and everything else wrong. As a guy who grew up in the 70s, this bothers me a lot!
88) Steve Guttengerg -- how the hell did this guy get a career? And did we really need 6 POLICE ACADEMY movies?
89) Tom Cruise jumping on the couch on THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW, in an attempt to show America how much he loved his then-girlfriend, Katie Holmes. He acted the way a gay guy would act if he were trying to prove to everyone that he was straight.
90) The fact that the Academy Award usually does not go to the “Best Picture.” It often goes to the movie that the Academy members think is the most “important” -- regardless of whether they have seen it or not.
91) The way that Marvel and DC copy all the popular male super-heroes to make female super-heroes.
Supergirl, Batgirl, Spider-Woman, She-Hulk, Ms. Marvel… Give me a break! Other than Wonder Woman, the list of super-heroines who have successfully starred in their own series is very short.
92) THE NEW MONKEES, an attempt to duplicate the success of the original show, was a dismal failure in 1988.
93) The death of rock and roll, which occurred some time around the turn of the century. We never saw it coming. Somehow, every rock band in America just faded away, leaving only the Foo Fighters, who are good, but they are not anyone’s favorite band...
94) The years 2000 to 2009 are considered the worst decade ever for music, movies, TV, and just about everything else. You won’t get any argument from me about that!
95) When the movie studios told us that our DVD’s were out of date and we had to upgrade to Blu-Ray. I have never bought a Blu-Ray and I never will. My DVD’s are fine, thank you! You know it’s just a matter of time before they come out with a new format and they’ll tell you your Blu-Rays are now obsolete.
96) Fashion models used to be beautiful and glamorous. But sometime around the turn of the century, someone got the idea of using actresses instead of models as spokeswomen for cosmetic and hair products. Now they keep trying to convince us that semi-attractive girls like Sarah Jessica Parker, Tina Fey and Queen Latifah are “Cover Girls.” These girls are fives at best, and they do not represent anyone’s standard of beauty.
97) The DISCO DAZZLER, the worst super-hero ever created. Originally intended to be part of a cross-promotional effort with Casablanca Records. Dazzler was also supposed to be featured in a movie starring Bo Derek. When all the promotional partners dropped
out, Marvel decided to go ahead and launch the character anyway. They shoved her down readers’ throats, putting her in issues of X-MEN and AMAZING SPIDER-MAN. But good taste prevailed, and the character never really caught on.
98) This obsession that Hollywood has with reviving every old pulp hero from the 1930s. The fact is, there are only one or two pulp heroes that the public continues to enjoy -- Tarzan, for one. But all the rest -- the Phantom, Doc Savage, the Green Hornet, the Shadow -- and yes, even the Lone Ranger -- no one gives a crap about any more. Let those old heroes rest in peace. They’ve all been replaced by newer heroes who are much cooler.
99) The Judd Apatow school of film-making, wherein actors are encouraged to do numerous different takes on the same scene, and the “funniest” ones are used in the movie. Then when you watch the deleted scenes, you realize that the scenes they used were no better or worse than the scenes they passed on. It’s just random “ad lib” filmmaking with no reliance at all on an actual quality script.
100) Out of all the great talents that have come and gone from SNL over the years, somehow ADAM SANDLER gets a free pass to keep making bad movies for the rest of his life. There have been so many people who were so much funnier than Sandler on SNL over the years -- but somehow, this hack gets to keep churning out two turkeys every year. Just look at the list of stinkers -- LITTLE NICKY, GROWN-UPS, GROWN-UPS 2, BEDTIME STORIES, CLICK, JACK & JILL, THAT’S MY BOY -- when will it all end? Has any other comic in history been allowed to make so many bad movies and to continue to have a career? I just don’t get it!
1) 1977: A fat, bloated Elvis dies on the toilet, while trying to pass one of his famous fried peanut butter, honey and banana sandwiches. A sad ending for a king. 2) The 25th anniversary remake of “We Are The World.” The original had such superstars as Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan. The remake had Robin Thicke, Vince Vaughn, Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber. ‘Nuff said.
3) Any movie where SYLVESTER STALLONE tried his hand at comedy, such as RHINESTONE or STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT!
4) Charlie Sheen stands to pocket $200 million from doing 100 episodes of his crappy TV show, ANGER MANAGEMENT, in one of the biggest TV payouts of all time. (This comes after his $100 million payout when he got fired from TWO AND A HALF MEN.) Great. More money for him to spend on booze, coke and whores.
5) Any TV reunion movie that comes 20 or 30 years after the original show went off the air and the actors all look so old and sad -- like that Mary Tyler Moore TV movie where she reunites with Rhoda and you find out that neither of them was able to sustain a successful relationship; or that ODD COUPLE reunion with Tony Randall and Jack Klugman where you find out that Oscar is suffering from throat cancer. What a laugh riot that one was!
6) In 1977, Disney released an album called MICKEY MOUSE DISCO, in an attempt to cash in on the disco craze. It was a horrible idea. You really don’t know suffering until you’ve heard the disco version of “It’s a Small World.” 7) All of the CAP’N CRUNCH spin-off cereals were disappointing. PEANUT BUTTER CRUNCH was god-awful. But when they came out with CRUNCH BERRIES, I wanted to puke! That Crunch berry Beast should be shot, stuffed and mounted for forcing his crappy cereal on us.
8) Eve Plumb, the original Jan, chose not to return for the BRADY BUNCH COMEDY VARIETY HOUR, proving herself not to be a team player!
9) Tina Louise passed on RESCUE FROM GILLIGAN’S ISLAND, thus denying fans the closure of seeing the real Ginger rescued.
10) Any TV series that started out as a character on TV commercials, like CAVEMEN or BABY BOB.
11) When NBC tried to continue CHICO AND THE MAN after Freddie Prinze had died by replacing him with a little kid, also named Chico. Likewise, the same network’s attempt to revive SANFORD AND SON in the 80s by replacing the son -- Lamont -- with a big, fat redneck white guy. Sometimes it seems like networks just don’t understand why we watch the shows we watch.
12) I can’t decide which was worse -- Chevy Chase collecting a $3 million paycheck after his late night Fox talk show was canceled after 5 weeks, or Conan O’Brien collecting a check for $45 million after his ill-fated attempt to take over THE TONIGHT SHOW (which lasted seven months).
13) Tom and Jerry, the most overrated cat and mouse team in the business. Can you believe they actually awarded Oscars to these two stiffs? For that matter, Heckle and Jekyll, the original Mighty Mouse and Magilla Gorilla all sucked, too!
14) 1978: The movie SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEART’S CLUB BAND was released, starring Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees. They took one of the best albums of all time and turned it into one of the worst movies of all time.
15) That period on WELCOME BACK, KOTTER when Gabe Kaplan quit the show, and John Travolta had left, as well -- and Kotter's wife, who had up to then been a peripheral character, suddenly became the Vice-Principal of the school. Here's a suggestion -- when the star of your show quits, maybe you should just cancel the show. 16) THE MATRIX sequels. They may not be the worst sequels ever made but they certainly squashed any promise shown by the innovative original.
17) Michael Jackson’s transformation from a normal black kid to an ugly white woman with no nose was surely one of the sadder celebrity transformations. And that time Michael kissed Lisa Marie Presley at the MTV Awards -- gross!
18) NBC’s so-called “Must -See TV” Thursday night line-up has always included a few stinkers like NIGHT COURT, VERONICA’S CLOSET, CAROLINE IN THE CITY and THE SINGLE GUY.
19) Dennis Miller as a co-host on Monday Night Football was surely one of the biggest gaffs in broadcasting history. Could it be that NFL fans really don’t care what Kierkegaard would have said?20) That scene in the 1979 Superman movie where the Man of Steel turns back time by spinning the Earth backwards? That went down in history as one of the all-time worst movie endings. It was so ridiculous that for many people, it ruined what was otherwise a great movie.
21) Daytime TV overall is pretty retched. Most of the shows consist of angry people yelling at each other over who’s the father, and then pretending to fight. (Did you ever notice that none of the punches on THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW ever actually connect?) And then to add insult to injury, most of the commercials on daytime TV tell you what you what a loser you are for being home in the daytime and that you should go back to school. Hey, some of us actually work at home!
22) In the 1988 TV movie THE DEATH OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK, the Hulk, the most powerful being on Earth, gets killed by falling out of a plane. Apparently, Hulk can survive bullets, missiles and bombs, but not a 500-foot fall. Ugh! And they even had Bill Bixby sing a sappy song as the Hulk was falling to his death!
24) Justin Beiber started out as an annoying pop star, and quickly went on to become the biggest douche bag of the new millennium.
25) The films of Kevin Smith. I'll admit I liked CHASING AMY, and I know CLERKS has a rabid following, but the rest of his filmography is pure crap. From MALLRATS to JAY & SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK to DOGMA to ZACH & MIRI make a porno, it's all pure crap!
26) The fact that David Goyer writes just about every superhero movie ever made, and he's juts not that good. The BLADE trilogy, the DARK KNIGHT TRILOGY, MAN OF STEEL -- enough is enough! Give another writer a chance!
27) The way that TV writers bring in a new kid after a sitcom has been on the air for a few years, based on the assumption that the original kids are not “cute” enough any more. (Examples: Cousin Oliver on THE BRADY BUNCH, Ralph Macchio on EIGHT IS ENOUGH, and Leonardo DiCaprio on GROWING PAINS. As if there weren’t enough Brady’s, Bradfords, and Seavers already.)
28) The period where Bo and Luke left THE DUKES OF HAZZARD to be replaced by two lame cousins named Coy and Vance. It made people appreciate the greatness of Bo and Luke! 29) At the peak of his popularity, Andrew Dice Clay made the unwatchable movie, THE ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLANE. Then he went on national TV and broke down and cried while apologizing for telling jokes that may have hurt people’s feelings. Rarely has the fall of a comic been so sad.
30) The cinematic output of Bob Clark. Although people often cite Ed Wood as the worst director of all time, no one can beat Clark. Just check out his credits. RHINESTONE, PORKY’s, PORKY’S 2: THE NEXT DAY, BABY GENIUSES, SUPERBABIES, TURK 182, LOOSE CANNONS,
31) The death of Captain Kirk in STAR TREK: GENERATIONS was handled in a clumsy and inept manner that was a sad ending for a legendary hero. For that matter, the trend of giving Vulcan females the same haircuts as Vulcan males really sucked, too. They started doing it in STAR TREK V and kept it up on the TV
33) The fact that almost every leading man role on TV and the movies now seems to go to British and Australian actors doing bad American accents. Even Superman and Spider-Man are now played by Brits. It’s a miracle that Captain America is actually played by an American!
34) In 2004, Stan Lee sued Marvel Comics for a share of the profits from the movies based on characters he co-created. It’s really sad when a living legend like Stan the man has to sue to get what he feels is coming to him.
35) The practice of sports arenas being named after the company that owns them is an old one --look at Wrigley Field -- but in recent years, the trend has gotten out of hand, resulting in boring, forgettable names like National Car Rental Center, 3Com Stadium, and the TWA Dome.
36) The episode of LOST IN SPACE with the space hippies has to be one of the worst things ever. I mean, really, why would there be hippies in space?
37) Certain singers are so starved for creativity that when it came time to record one new song for their “Greatest Hits” album, they just took their most popular song and redid it. This resulted in lame remakes like Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love ‘97,” Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer ‘94.” and Cyndi Lauper’s “(Hey Now) Girls Just Wanna Have Fun ‘94.”
38) The fact that most celebrities don’t appear in Playboy until their careers have faded and they’re well past their prime. (Examples: Belinda Carlyle, Farrah Fawcett, Suzanne Somers, Tia Carrere.)
39) The way a network will clone its own hit TV shows to fill up their schedule to the point where NBC once had 10 hours of LAW & ORDER on their 22-hour weekly schedule. CBS is just as bad with their CSI clones. Back in my day, a network would fill its schedule with 22 hours of shows that were all unique. They may not have all been good, but at least they all weren’t the same show!
40) Any TV show that tries to continue after one of the main stars has quit the show -- Richie Cunningham leaving HAPPY DAYS, Mike and Gloria leaving ALL IN THE FAMILY. But perhaps the worst example is THE OFFICE, which limped along for 2 shockingly unfunny seasons after star Steve Carell left to do movies.
41) The practice of giving woefully unfunny stand-up comics their own TV shows in an attempt to recreate the success of Cosby, Seineld and Roseanne. Comics who I have never laughed at include Tim Allen, Ray Romano and Ellen Degeneres.
42) In THE FLINTSTONES movie, they picked big, fat Rosie O’Donnell to play Betty, when, in fact, Betty has always been better-looking than Wilma. That may have been the worst casting of all time.
43) When Bruce Springsteen stopped being a rocker and switched to being more of a folk singer, it was a sad day for rock music. And when he came out with that generic song, “57 Channels And Nothing on,” it nearly killed his career.
45) Michael Crichton’s novel, JURASSIC PARK, about an amusement park where something goes wrong and the attractions start killing people -- was a direct rip-off of his earlier novel, WESTWORLD. I know great writers often return to the same themes, but… come on!
46) Martin Scorsese, our greatest living director, did not win the Academy Award for any of his brilliant films like TAXI DRIVER, RAGING BULL or GOODFELLAS. Instead, he won for THE DEPARTED, one of his worst movies.
47) In 1983, just before the release of RETURN OF THE JEDI, USA Today came out with a story that gave away the ending of the movie. The headline read, "Surprise! Darth's a Good Guy!" In those per-Internet days, it was shocking to have a a major spoiler in a national newspaper. That ruined my enjoyment of a movie I had waited 3 years for. I have never really forgiven USA Today for that one!
49) Overweight comedians dying way before their time. John Belushi, John Candy, Chris Farley… all gone too soon.
51) Back in my day, girls who modeled hair and cosmetics were high fashion models. These days, they will just try to take any actress or singer and try to convince us they are beautiful models. Sorry, Tina Fey and Queen Latifah, but you are not models.
53) Just about any movie ever made that was based on a video game. (SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, anyone?)
54) Any movie sequel that featured none of the stars that made the first movie such a big hit. Such as GREASE 2, THE STING 2, CADDYSHACK 2, etc.
55) Movies based on TV shows that nobody liked in the first place, like MCHALE’S NAVY and THE MOD SQUAD.
56) The number of rock stars who are members of the Dead at 27 Club: Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and of course, Kurt Cobain.
57) Whenever a long-running character leaves a TV series, he is invariably replaced by a less entertaining character. Examples: Coach replaced by Woody on CHEERS. Trapper John replaced by BJ on M*A*S*H. And Chrissy replaced with Cindy on THREE’S COMPANY.
58) The trend of doing PG-rated sequels to R-rated movies is an annoying one. (Examples: All the BAD NEWS BEARS, ROBOCOP, and TERMINATOR sequels.) As one Hollywood exec once put it, “The first one, we do for the grown-ups. The next ones, we do for the kids.” All this does is take away the edge from something that had been really cool.
59) Two words: Vanilla Ice.
60) Two more words: Milli Vanilli.
61) Almost all of the Grammy winners for “Best New Artist” have been pretty lame. Jody Watley, Culture Club, Sheena Easton, Christopher Cross, Rikki Lee Jones, A Taste of Honey (apparently the Academy predicted big things for the band that brought us “Boogie Oogie Ooogie!), Debby Boone and the Starland Vocal Band. (Sure, they gave us the immortal “Afternoon Delight,” but what have they done for us lately?)
62) People who post on face book what time they are going to sleep. Who the f* ck needs to know this?
64) Madonna’s SEX book was a great idea, in theory -- a whole book full of nude pictures of the Material Girl, engaging in all sorts of sexual shenanigans. But the photos were often uninspired and the book’s metal covers and spiral binding made it extremely difficult to, shall we say, utilize it to its fullest potential.
65) MTV stopped showing music videos years ago, but that was only the beginning of a trend where channels stopped showing the types of programming that they were created to show. The president of the Cartoon Network announced that he didn’t want to show cartoons. CNN Headline News stopped showing Headline News. Court TV stopped showing Court Shows. The History Channel started showing made-up stories. The guy running the Game Show network said he wanted to get away from game shows. And perhaps most egregiously, American Movie Classics stopped showing classic movies from the 1930s and 40s ands started showing modern crap from the 80s and 90s! What’s next -- BET airing shows about white people?
66) The 1998 big-budget GODZILLA movie actually managed to be much worse than the cheesy, low- budget Japanese flicks we used to make fun of. (As soon as I heard that the hero of the movie was Matthew Broderick, playing a worm expert, I knew it was going to suck!)
67) I still say it’s not fair that the Ropers were not allowed to return to THREE’S COMPANY after the failure of their own show. But Enos was allowed to return to THE DUKES OF HAZZARD after his spin-off tanked!68) Ok, so just about every movie ever made with the word “Mars” in the title has either bombed or sucked -- everything from MARS NEEDS WOMEN to MARS ATTACKS to MISSION TO MARS to the all-time classic bad movie, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS. So when Disney was ready
69) The fact that just about every major movie and every show on TV stars an English or Australian actor doing a bad American accent. I mean, even SUPERMAN, BATMAN and SPIDER-MAN are now played by English actors. It’s a miracle that CAPTAIN AMERICA is played by an actual American!
71) Just about any album released by a TV star, especially those released by William Shatner, Joe Pesci, Bruce Willis and Don Johnson.
72) The way that EDDIE MURPHY went from being the funniest, raunchiest, most fowl-mouthed comic alive -- to being a bland, boring actor who only makes sappy kids films. Truly, having children is the worst thing that can ever happen to any comedian!
73) Hollywood’s annoying practice of taking classic TV shows and remaking them with all-black casts. (THE ODD COUPLE, THE HONEYMOONERS…)
74) NBC’s entire line-up under Fred Silverman circa 1983. The former programming wunderkind who previously led NBC and CBS to first place, tried for the Triple Crown when he came to NBC. He hoped to take NBC all the way to the top with such shows as SUPERTRAIN, MANIMAL, MISFITS OF SCIENCE, PINK LADY & JEFF, and McLean Stevenson’s HELLO LARRY! You know your network is in trouble when your three strongest shows are DIFF’RENT STROKES, CHiPS, and BJ & THE BEAR!
75) The way that James Bond started shilling licensed products in all his movies is pathetic. Sometimes it seems like the movies are just excuses to have Bond plug products. In one movie, they had him drinking Smirnoff vodka, which James Bond would never ask for. In another one, they had him plugging beer. Beer?!
76) The obsession TV producers have of giving every character on Saturday morning TV a slapstick sidekick who is really nothing more than a pint-sized rip-off of the main character. Examples: Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo. Godzilla and Gadzooky. And Plastic Man and (gag!) Baby Plas!
77) Any movie sequel that features the off-screen deaths of major characters, thus rendering the previous movies utterly pointless. Examples: In TERMINATOR 3, we find out that Sarah Conner, the ultimate survivor from the first 2 films, died of cancer. And in the miserable ALIEN 3, we learn that Newt and Hicks died in their sleep because their space pods leaked. What a cop-out!
78) The way they gradually took the word “Sugar” out of the names of all cereals. As a kid, I used to eat SUGAR SMACKS, SUGAR POPS and SUGAR-FROSTED FLAKES! Cereal companies used to promote how much sugar they had in all their cereals, like it was a good thing. Now they try to make everything sound healthier, when it really isn’t. Just because you changed the name, doesn’t make it any healthier!
79) The way that dumb chacracters on TV get increasingly dumber as the show goes on because it’s easy for lazy writers to write “dumb: jokes. Examples: Homer Simpson, Potsie from HAPPY DAYS, Chrissy from THREE’S COMPANY. The characters start off a little slow, then wind up functionally retarded about halfway through the third season.
80) The song “Convoy,” released at the peak of the CB radio craze in the 1970s. It would be like releasing a song called “Internet” in 1999. The song was so bad, you wished everyone involved with it would get run over by a truck!
81) Producer Drew Barrymore cast herself as an Angel in the big-screen version of CHARLIE’S ANGELS. She’s semi-attractive but she is no one’s idea of what a Charlie’s Angel looks like.
82) Bad movies based on SNL skits. Among them: IT’S PAT; CONEHEADS; STUART SAVES HIS FAMILY; BLUES BROTHERS 2000, WAYNE’S WORLD 2, etc etc. For that matter the last half hour of any episode of SNL has always sucked, regardless of which season it was or who was in the cast.
83) Vanessa Williams had her Miss America crown taken away because PENTHOUSE published nude lesbian photos of her. It seems to me that a great injustice was committed here. This type of behavior should be rewarded, not punished. We should be encouraging more Miss Americas to do this sort of stuff.84) Lightning struck twice for Van Halen when they replaced David Lee Roth with Sammy Hagar and went on to even greater success. But the third time was definitely not the charm. The band struck out when they replaced Hagar with Gary Cirrone, the former lead singer of Extreme, which inspired extreme apathy on the part of all Van Halen fans.
85) Ever since short, chinless Michael Keaton was cast in BATMAN in 1989, every actor who has played the character since then has tried to do that same dumb scratchy voice. 86) The DIFF’RENT STROKES curse, which has affected all the young stars of that show. Dano Plato committed suicide. Todd Bridges has been to prison. And Gary Coleman had all kinds of health and personal problems before his death at the age of 40.
87) The characters from THAT 70’S SHOW never used any slang from the 70s. In fact, they often used phrases from the 80s like “awesome” or words that weren‘t even invented until the 90s, like “skank.” Basically, they got the “look” of the show right, and everything else wrong. As a guy who grew up in the 70s, this bothers me a lot!
88) Steve Guttengerg -- how the hell did this guy get a career? And did we really need 6 POLICE ACADEMY movies?
89) Tom Cruise jumping on the couch on THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW, in an attempt to show America how much he loved his then-girlfriend, Katie Holmes. He acted the way a gay guy would act if he were trying to prove to everyone that he was straight.90) The fact that the Academy Award usually does not go to the “Best Picture.” It often goes to the movie that the Academy members think is the most “important” -- regardless of whether they have seen it or not.
91) The way that Marvel and DC copy all the popular male super-heroes to make female super-heroes.
92) THE NEW MONKEES, an attempt to duplicate the success of the original show, was a dismal failure in 1988. 93) The death of rock and roll, which occurred some time around the turn of the century. We never saw it coming. Somehow, every rock band in America just faded away, leaving only the Foo Fighters, who are good, but they are not anyone’s favorite band...
94) The years 2000 to 2009 are considered the worst decade ever for music, movies, TV, and just about everything else. You won’t get any argument from me about that!
95) When the movie studios told us that our DVD’s were out of date and we had to upgrade to Blu-Ray. I have never bought a Blu-Ray and I never will. My DVD’s are fine, thank you! You know it’s just a matter of time before they come out with a new format and they’ll tell you your Blu-Rays are now obsolete.
96) Fashion models used to be beautiful and glamorous. But sometime around the turn of the century, someone got the idea of using actresses instead of models as spokeswomen for cosmetic and hair products. Now they keep trying to convince us that semi-attractive girls like Sarah Jessica Parker, Tina Fey and Queen Latifah are “Cover Girls.” These girls are fives at best, and they do not represent anyone’s standard of beauty. 97) The DISCO DAZZLER, the worst super-hero ever created. Originally intended to be part of a cross-promotional effort with Casablanca Records. Dazzler was also supposed to be featured in a movie starring Bo Derek. When all the promotional partners dropped
98) This obsession that Hollywood has with reviving every old pulp hero from the 1930s. The fact is, there are only one or two pulp heroes that the public continues to enjoy -- Tarzan, for one. But all the rest -- the Phantom, Doc Savage, the Green Hornet, the Shadow -- and yes, even the Lone Ranger -- no one gives a crap about any more. Let those old heroes rest in peace. They’ve all been replaced by newer heroes who are much cooler. 99) The Judd Apatow school of film-making, wherein actors are encouraged to do numerous different takes on the same scene, and the “funniest” ones are used in the movie. Then when you watch the deleted scenes, you realize that the scenes they used were no better or worse than the scenes they passed on. It’s just random “ad lib” filmmaking with no reliance at all on an actual quality script.
100) Out of all the great talents that have come and gone from SNL over the years, somehow ADAM SANDLER gets a free pass to keep making bad movies for the rest of his life. There have been so many people who were so much funnier than Sandler on SNL over the years -- but somehow, this hack gets to keep churning out two turkeys every year. Just look at the list of stinkers -- LITTLE NICKY, GROWN-UPS, GROWN-UPS 2, BEDTIME STORIES, CLICK, JACK & JILL, THAT’S MY BOY -- when will it all end? Has any other comic in history been allowed to make so many bad movies and to continue to have a career? I just don’t get it!
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