My EXPENDABLES Review

THE EXPENDABLES REVIEWED by Barry Dutter

THE EXPENDABLES concludes Sylvester Stallone’s comeback trilogy that began with ROCKY BALBOA (2006) and continued with RAMBO (2008.) The new film, which unites most of the major action heroes of the last 30 years in one movie is easily the worst of the come back trio (with ROCKY BALBOA being the clear favorite).
All three of Stallone’s comeback movies are throwbacks to films he made in the 80s. The first two revive his most popular characters, and the latest brings back the style of action movies Stallone helped popularize back in the days of Pac-Man, Members Only jackets and Duran Duran. Prior to his comeback, Sly had not appeared on the big screen since he played the villain in SPY KIDS 3-D back in 2003.
THE EXPENDABLES was written and directed by Stallone, which pretty much tells you all you need to know. Traditionally, when Stallone the writer strays away from Rocky or Rambo, his movies aren’t very good. As an actor, his speech is hard to understand; as a writer, his work is stilted and full of cliches; and as a director, well, there’s only so much any director can do with a weak script and a slurring leading man.
Stallone is possibly the worst actor in THE EXPENDABLES, and that’s really saying something in a cast that includes Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren.
The movie starts off with a cameo by Arnold Schwarzenegger, making his first appearance on screen since … well, ok, technically since TERMINATOR SALVATION last summer.
In this long-awaited meeting of the muscles, Stallone and Schwarzenegger exchange quips with each other in a scene that recalls the homoerotic overtones of TANGO & CASH. Bruce Willis asks Stallone & Schwarzenegger if they are going to suck each other’s dicks, and the two actors look like they are seriously considering it.
There is no real reason for Schwarzenegger to be in this movie, other than the coolness factor of having three of the biggest action heroes of the 80s together in one scene. All in all, it’s a wasted opportunity, but at least Stallone gets off one funny line about Arnie wanting to be president.
Mostly THE EXPENDABLES is a buddy/comedy movie between Stallone & Jason Statham, who probably comes off the best of any of the actors in the movie. The jokey script has Stallone and his partners exchanging many quips as they shoot bad guys -- but anyone who has ever seen Stallone do comedy knows that this is not his main strength as a writer.
The movie answers some intriguing questions: 1) Who would win in a fight -- a kung fu master or a giant? 2) Could a pro wrestler beat a mixed martial arts fighter? 3) Can a group of five guys take on an army of thousands and win?
You should be able to answer that last one without seeing the movie. THE EXPENDABLES has the most gunfire of any movie I’ve ever seen. Amazingly, no one ever told the bad guys they should actually try aiming. The last third of the movie seems to consist of nothing but explosions. Who needs a story when you can just blow stuff up?

SPOILER WARNING! Something happens in this movie that is so stupid, I have to comment on it. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, skip this part.
At one point, Dolph Lundgren betrays the teams and tries to kill Stallone and Jet Li in a huge car chase with machine guns blazing. This chase takes place on city streets in broad daylight, but luckily no pedestrians or other motorists are injured during this chase.
The battle ends when Stallone puts a bullet in Lundgren’s chest, and it is strongly implied that Lundgren is going to die. But in a ridiculous twist at the end, we learn that not only did Lundgren survive the shooting, but he has fully recovered, and is now happily welcomed back to the team.
Let’s clarify here: a member of your team with a known drug problem betrays you and tries to kill you, but you let him back on your team so you can all go for a motorcycle ride together at the end.
Okay, whatever.
Clearly, Stallone is not trying very hard here.
THE EXPENDABLES could almost be called BOYS AND THEIR TOYS. There is no room for women in this world, it’s all about guys and guns and bikes. Who needs some screwy dame coming along and messing up all that macho tough guy fun?
Toward the end of the movie there is scene where Stallone looks like he might kiss the woman he has just rescued, and thankfully, he gives her a hug instead. At this stage of his career, you just don’t want to see Stallone kissing anyone.
Charisma Carpenter has two scenes as Jason Statham’s girlfriend, but those scenes mostly exist as an excuse for Statham to kick the asses of a bunch of guys on a basketball court.
This is not the worst screenplay Stallone has written (I mean, come on, the guy has written such stinkers as Rhinestone, Over the Top, Cobra, Rocky V, Staying Alive…) but it’s not the best, either. (That award goes to Rocky I-III, First Blood, and Cliffhanger.)
Maybe it’s time for the 80s revival to be over.
All in all, The Expendables is okay as a plotless time-waster. For those people who’ve always complained that the A-Team is a little too realistic, this is the movie for you!