TALENTED SINGERS THAT DID REALLY CRAPPY MOVIE THEMES

By Barry Dutter

1) 38 SPECIAL: Theme from the movie TEACHERS (1984):  38 Special were responsible for some of the best Southern rock songs of the early 80s, including “Hold on Loosely” and “Caught Up in You.” But they seem to have run out of ideas when it came time to write the theme for the Nick Nolte comedy TEACHERS. The uninspired chorus tells you all you need to know: “Teacher, teacher, can you teach me? Can you tell me what I need to know? Teacher, teacher, can you reach me? Or will I fall when you let me go? Oh no.” Oh no is right. They should have been expelled for that one.


2) QUARTERFLASH: Theme from NIGHT SHIFT (1982). Quarterflash had two of the best songs of the 80s: “Harden My Heart” and “Take Me to Heart.” They had a third semi-hit with the Pat Benatar-esque “Find Another Fool.” But they really bombed when it came time to perform the theme for the movie NIGHT SHIFT, starring Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton. The song was actually co-written by Burt Bacharach, long past his 60s heyday. At that point in his career, Burt would usually bring in co-writer Carole Bayer Sager to sing the song, but in this case, the tune was handed off to a younger, hipper group. Quarterflash was never heard from again.

3) STARSHIP: “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,” -Theme from MANNEQUIN: The first thing you might ask is, “Was Starship ever a great band?” Sure. Before they sold out and got all soft and wimpy, they had a couple of the best pop/rock hits of the 80s: “Jane” and “Find Your Way Back.” The MANNEQUIN theme makes the list, not because it was that much different from any other mediocre 80s songs, but because with its generic lyrics, it could be the theme of any movie ever made.

4) KENNY LOGGINS: “Meet Me Halfway,” Theme from OVER THE TOP.  I have to defend Mr., Loggins, who was responsible for some great movie themes, like “I’m Alright” from CADDYSHACK and the theme from FOOTLOOSE. But this one was a clear case of making too many trips to the well. Check out this chorus: “Meet me halfway. Across the sky. Up where the world belongs to only you and I.” Ugh. Mr. Loggins had built up plenty of good will over the years, so we could forgive him for other lesser movie theme lyrics like TOP GUN’s “Highway to the Danger Zone, gonna take me right into the Danger Zone.” But there was no forgiving this one.

5) PHILLIP BAILEY: Theme from TWINS. Bailey did great work with Earth Wind & Fire in the 70s, and had one of the best pop songs of the 80s in his duet with Phil Collins, “Easy Lover.“ But he didn’t fare as well when he joined forces with LITTLE RICHARD to sing this non-hit, which takes the title of the movie and tries to build a song around it. The movie, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito, had a few laughs, but this song was a lost cause. Check out this groaner of a chorus: “We’re twins, united outside and in. When you‘re twins, the magic just never ends.” And when you’re singing a bad song, the magic just never begins.

6) PRINCE: “Batdance” - Theme from BATMAN (1989) To say the song does not hold up today is being kind. People had so much good will for that first Tim Burton Batman movie that they were buying anything Batman related -- including so many copies of this song that they drove it to the number one spot on the pop charts!  “Batdance” came just a few years after Prince created his masterpiece, Purple Rain, and it’s hard to believe both albums were done by the same artist. This was not long after other seminal Prince works like “Pop Life” and “Raspberry Beret.” Reportedly Prince had several songs rejected for the Batman soundtrack, which is mind-blowing because  the songs are all pretty unlistenable. It's hard to imagine the poor quality of the stuff they threw away! A once-creative artist at his nadir.

7) CYNDI LAUPER: “The Goonies R Good Enough” - Theme from GOONIES.” This song gets a dishonorable mention because the word “Goonies’ is never actually sung  in the song. It was just shoehorned into the title in a lame attempt to tie the song to the movie. The song itself is OK. Not one of Lauper’s best, but she certainly had worse. (Actually her worst song was the theme from the movie VIBES (1988), which had one of the dumbest song lyrics of all time: “There’s a hole in my heart that goes all the way to China.” Ugh.)

8) BOBBY BROWN: “On Our Own” - Theme from GHOSTBUSTERS 2. The chorus to this song is respectable, and does an adequate job of summing up the theme to the movie -- that this time, the Ghostbusters have to do it on their own. (Um, wasn‘t that the basic idea of the first movie, too?) But the rap that appears twice in the song is awful, among the worst ever written. It’s definitely a case of an artist trying way too hard to fit the plot of a movie into a song. The part that sucks the most is when Brown raps, “Found about Vigo, the master of evil. Try to battle my boys? That's not legal.” Writing bad raps? That should be illegal too. (Then we would have been spared such travesties as MC Hammer's "Addams Groove" from ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES and Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" from TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!)

9) A HA; Theme from the James Bond film, THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS. AH HA was a band that had one of the best “new wave” songs of the 80s (and perhaps the single best video), “Take On Me.” The problem comes when a one-hit wonder tries to write a second hit. For their first movie theme, the band was given an impossible title to work with: THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS. Rather than trying to come up with anything to rhyme with that title, the chorus simply consists of the band chanting, “Ahhh ahhh ah ah -- the Living Daylights.” It was one of the worst Bond themes ever.

10) AEROSMITH: “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” from ARMAGEDDON: Hands down the sappiest song ever performed by Aerosmith., They didn’t write it, it was penned by songwriting hack Diane Warren. But it became their biggest hit ever, which is kind of sad, considering these guys were responsible for great tunes  like “Sweet Emotion” and “Walk This Way” back in the 70s. This sorry song is about a guy who is so in love with his woman that he doesn't even want to sleep, or even blink, for fear that he might miss something amazing that she does. Trust me me, Steven Tyler, no one is that interesting. Go ahead, close your eyes.

11) BRYAN ADAMS: “All For Love” - Theme from THE THREE MUSKETEERS. It must have sounded like a great idea on paper. Bryan Adams was coming off one of the biggest hits of his career -- “Everything I Do (I Do it For You)” from the movie ROBIN HOOD. Why not have him write another theme song for another period adventure -- only this time, (wait for it) he could team up with two other singers, and they could be just like the Three Musketeers! Great idea, but it was a lame song even by Bryan Adams sappy ballad standards. It was understandable that Rod Stewart agreed to be one of the other singers joining Adams on this Three-Man Duet -- Stewart’s career had been on a steady decline since his 1970s heyday. But why the hell did Sting agree to be the third wheel? Surely he had better things to do than to help sing a hacky Bryan Adams ballad. It was because of the inclusion of Sting , an artist who was still vital and creative at this time, that this turkey makes the list. And lyrics like, "When it's love you give (I'll be a man of good faith.) Then in love you live" didn't help much, either.

13) (TIE) ARETHA FRANKLIN singing “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” for the Whoopi Goldberg movie of the same name? Did we really need that?  Finally, I have to take a jab at BOB SEGER for “Breakdown,“ the uninspired theme from BEVERLY HILLS COP II. Who could forget those unforgettable lyrics? “Breakdown, shakedown, take down. You’re busted!” That’s a far cry from the evocative lyrics of  early Seger hits like “Hollywood Nights” and  “Night Moves.”